September 30, 2008

I received a huge packet of information from the University of Vermont today. I’ve received numerous amounts of packets from them this year, so naturally I went to do my research on the college. First things first, it’s up north, so immediately I was drawn to it. Supposedly it has the feel of a liberal arts college (which is what I am really looking for) because of the small amount of students, and 17:1 teacher to student ration (not as good as Williams’ 9:1, but it’s still a good amount). I’m going to definitely apply there because I’ve heard their Psychology and English departments are superb, and that’s what I’m majoring/minoring in.
I’m starting to get incredibly upset with my A.P. English teacher this year. I’ve been making awful grades on my papers for the class. I mean, I know a B or C isn’t technically “awful” but since English is my strongest subject, it’s not very assuring to know that I can’t write an A paper. I was discussing the matter with fellow classmates who I know are strong in English too, and they are all receiving B’s and C’s too! And, of course, the one cheerleader in the class is receiving nothing but A’s. Imagine that. My English teacher who sticks her right smack dab in the middle of the classroom so he can stare at her and only have conversations with her and who seems to have to pick his jaw up the ground every day when she comes into the classroom with her cheerleader uniform on. I don’t think it’s very fair. Honestly, I’ve read the girl’s essays. She can’t write, to put it simply. And as for me, and don’t think I’m bragging, I write damn well! It’s all so stupid, if it keeps up, I’m going to open my mouth and approach him about it. I can’t believe I actually asked him to write my college recomendation letter for Williams. Oh well, though. I can only hope for the best. I’ve got a shit load of work to do tonight and need to get through at least half of my practice SAT packet tonight. Au Revoir!


Mind boggling STRESS!

September 29, 2008

I’m taking the SAT this Saturday and could not be more nervous about it.  I’ve been doing practice problems, reviewing math formulas and learning a superfluous amount of new vocabulary words so that I can maybe, possibly  receive an above average grade on the test.   I NEED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The only thing, if any, that will stop me from getting into my DREAM college, Williams, is my test scores.  I just don’t fucking test well!!!!!  And it’s because I get so damn stressed out because I know it’s (unfortunately) what colleges really focus on and it’s sometimes the determining factor between if they choose Applicant A or Applicant B.  Ughhhh!  I mean, like hell I wish I could be one of those people who breeze through the SAT with a 2400, but the fact is I’m not.  I work hard for everything, and I’ve done as much as I can to portray that to admissions officers.  Maybe it’s just me, but isn’t a student whose going to go to your college and work hard and study hard and make the most of their experience better than the student who knows their a hot piece of shit and doesn’t have to study to make good grades and could really care less.  Sometimes not, I suppose.  Everyone seems to want the smart kids nowadays.   It’s so sad, too, because I can spout off all these facts about Williams ranging from when they were established to what cell phone services work at the school and then from sorts of Winter Study programs they offer at the school, and the student to teacher ratio at the school.
I’m fucking obsessed.  I told my mom today at dinner that I wish I never had researched and found out about Williams because then I wouldn’t be so dead set on any school, and wouldn’t risk having my heart broken and dreams shreaded.  I’m being overly dramatic here, I realize, but it just goes back to the whole cliche thing of wanting something so badly, and it never happening.  And then all the shit about “Everything happens for a reason.”  Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  No one really knows, but that’s a whole different topic.  So for now I need to stop rambling and venting and begin reading The Wife of Bath’s Prologue and Tale from Chaucer’s Canterbury tales (I LOVE that guy, Chaucer). 

Au Revoir

Everything and Nothing

September 28, 2008

Cough, sneeze, hack, cough, cough, sneeze…Has been the pattern of my days. I am sick and miserable! But what makes me so happy about my sickness is that whenever I get sick this time of year (because I always do) it means that cool, and invigorating weather is right around the corner. I stopped at Starbucks on my way to school on Friday and got a pumpkin spice latte, which basically commemorates the fall for me. I seem to have these reoccuring states of myself every year in fall and winter. I drink lots of pumpkin spice lattes, visit pumpkin patches, wear lots of sweaters, knitted hats and scarves, reread books I’ve already read, take lots of walks, think more, write more, draw/paint, listen to lots of Regina Spektor and Iron and Wine, and go to the Farmer’s Market more. I just love cold weather!!!! Which is why I wasn’t born to stay in the South. I was born a Northern girl who just so happened to get stuck in the South.
I have been feeling very positive, carefree, and happy these days. I love everything and I love nothing. I love to LIVE.


P.S. I haven’t had/wanted a cigarette in 2 weeks, and I’ve stayed sober for 3 weeks.  I love being able to be me and to feel everything how it is,  not how I wanted it to feel.


September 28, 2008

I have decided that I am an existential theist.
I define my own being! and you can too! how beautiful it is to just BE.

College Essay numero dos

September 27, 2008

Topic: Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

I believe that eyes were made not for seeing the mundane, but for seeing the possibilities hidden within. Every opportunity I receive to visit a new place, I accept instantly because I feel strongly about exploring new environments and being able to feel new things while in those new environments. Mountain environments have been particularly significant to me since the summer prior to my freshman year in high school. I decided to participate in the Appalachian Service Project, which takes place in the Appalachian Mountains. The instant I stepped out of the van during my first summer there, I was in awe. The scenery was anomalous compared to any other I had ever seen and the air was breezy and invigorating. Each time I took a breath, I was reminded that I was alive. I saw a vast array of possibilities as I gazed at the mountains. I saw freedom; animals and nature living in an equal environment freely and unscathed. It is always revitalizing for me to step away from an industrialized life into an environment full of peace and tranquility where everything is in its natural state.
I saw the most honest beauty there is in the mountains–life. As hectic and chaotic my life could be for me, I was able to clear my mind of all negativity and feel nothing but myself in this natural and wholesome environment. I found the way to embrace the beauty within me and use it for the benefit of others. Spending a mere week in the mountains, exploring, adventuring, interacting and bonding with diverse people was a rewarding experience for me. I took this newfound freedom and peace home with me and I continue to share it with those around me.

Never in my lifetime up until now did I realize just how ambitious I am. I never realized that it IS possible to have dreams and to fulfill them. As I am in my senior year of high school and college is right around the corner, I still have absolutely no idea where I will be next year. But I do know that I have come to find myself through this whole journey. Through my letters, and especially through filling out college applications (as crazy at that seems). You are able to see similar threads in your life whenever you start to sit down and fill out all of your acheivements and extra curricular activities. A pattern begins to form. You start to see where you’ll end up, and it’s so exciting and nerve racking at the same time.
Not knowing where I’ll end up is the scariest part, but it’s also the most exciting. As much as I am trying to keep a level head with all of this, I just can’t help but keep Williams as number one and think that I just won’t be as happy if that’s not where I ultimately go. It’s all I can really think about, and I’m not sure how healthy that is. Everything about the school defines precisely who I am as a person. I keep having these reoccuring dreams about me returning home during my Christmas Break of my freshman year from Williams and being just such a different and even more worldly person. I hope I have done my best to display that to Williams. I just can’t wait until I get to go visit the school (granted it will be after I send my early admissions application). Ahhhhh, I am so perfectly content with everything right now. Everything is so indescribably BEAUTIFUL to me in life.

As I gradually opened the mailbox, I paused and began to think if this was what I sincerely wanted to do.  I seized a breath of October’s fresh air to gain a sense of much needed equilibrium, slid the envelope to the back of the mailbox, and shut the mailbox knowing that if I didn’t do this now, I would never do it again.
Writing has always been an outlet for me and has constantly given me the freedom that I yearn for.  This is precisely why I made the decision to begin writing anonymous letters to my English teacher during my sophomore year in high school.  I borrowed the idea from a book that I have always felt pertained to my life, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, written by Steven Chbosky.  In this book, the main character, Charlie, writes anonymous letters to an unknown person describing his most genuine thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

I began writing my anonymous letters for the mere purpose that I could be reassured that at least one person in this infinite universe would be able to know who I was and what I was feeling.  During this particular chapter of my life, I consistently felt trapped, and felt that I would never be able to know who I was and what my purpose in life was.  Writing these letters and then rereading them afterwards helped me not only to know myself more, but made me realize that I have always known who I was, but was never able to accept myself.

Eventually my letters became less regular, and I slowly felt the void deep inside myself begin to suffuse.  Rereading my letters; my own private thoughts, allowed me to release parts of myself that I had kept hidden and assured me that no matter what my future held for me, I would be able to embrace it as myself and would never lose sight of who I am.

Some years and many letters later, I have found myself in an entirely different state of mind.  Still to this day, I continue to write letters, but these days they are no longer anonymous and they do not relate to my life in the same way that they used to.  My letters have transgressed into positive letters of fortification and hopefulness.

My entire letter writing journey was and continues to be a journey of self-discovery for me.  I was able to come to terms with who I am and was able to become a more open and outspoken individual.  I believe that this journey strengthened me in every aspect of my life and will continue to apply to any other journeys I will embark on in my lifetime

William’s college

September 20, 2008

I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned how much I am truly and wholly in love with the idea of spending my 4 years of college, and possibly more, in Williamstown, Massachusetts at Williams College.  The college is perfect; perfect for me at least.  It is my ideal school and I have yet to find a single flaw.  I would do anything to be able to go there, which is why I have begun to fill out the application.  It is exciting and nerve-racking at the same time because I have no earthly idea about what the odds of me actually being accepted are.  I really need to somehow make my way up there for an interview so they can see how passionate I am about the school and that I’m not just a southern girl from a mediocre highschool in Louisiana who wants to flee.  I am passionate and open-minded, ambitious and hardworking, honorable and earthly and a great candidate for Williams College.  I want them to see it in my eyes– the longing I have for  their college and that, if accepted, I won’t for a second mess up;  I will take the oppurtunity and hold it tightly and run with it and love it and never take advantage of it. 
I’m  not sure how many people read this, but if by some miraculous occurance, you have any affiliation with Williams College, can you please email me at ?
I’ve already talked to a couple people who have graduated from the college via Facebook, but I would really like to come in contact with current students if possible.  But at this point, really I would love to talk to anyone.

Williams College is such an important dream to me, and with every beat of my heart, I would love to go be able to be a student at this wonderful school.  It would be a life changing experience for me, I know, and I would cherish every moment spent there until my last breath.


September 12, 2008

I wish for it to be cold. Freezing cold or at least cold enough so that when i breathe outside I can see that I’m breathing. And so that I can see that I am, in fact, alive. Because for so much time I have felt so dead and decayed to everything and everyone. I’ve got one of those weather affecting mood diseases apparently….

Hurricane Update Numero Dos

September 6, 2008

Over 20,000 dollars worth of damage from the hurricane.  That’s going to be a bitch to deal with.  Looks like I am DEFINITELY staying in state for college now.  Great.  Still no power.  It will probably be about 20 more days til we get it, but that’s just an estimate.  No clue when school starts back; keep hearing different stories.  Oh well.  Everyone’s frazzled and disoriented, but that was expected.  I’m having a tiedye party some day this week.