October 31, 2008
i am so happy and excited right now! today will be absolutely WONDERFUL! i’m going to starbucks this morning to get my pumpkin spice latte, i have no tests, i had no homework last night, we’re working on a really neat project in english–so that means a relaxing first hour! I just received a comfirmation email from William’s college about receiving my application, so now I’m just freaking my shit. All I can do is just be calm and hopeful.
au Revoir, babbbbbies!!!!
October 30, 2008
today i feel like being absolutely spontaneous. i want to make someone i don’t know smile today. i don’t know how i will go about accomplishing this. i could just make a funny face at someone driving, but sometimes people interpret that wrong and get upset. i think i might write an anonymous letter because i haven’t done that in a while. the hardest part about writing anonymous letters it that i never know who to send them to. i guess i shall decide who my receiver will be once i get home. this letter will be about my future and this beautiful weather. happpy day before all hallow’s eve!
October 30, 2008
I always find it interesting how listening to a song that I haven’t listened to in a while can bring me back to a particular memory, and all of sudden it seems so vivid. And then sometimes I listen to songs, and I can remember how I felt whenever I was listening to the song at whatever period of my life, but I can’t bring myself back to that point no matter how hard I try because there are suddenly new emotions emerging from myself because of this one song. I’m saying all of this because I’m listening to Konstantine by Something Corporate right now. I remember my 8th grade year when I first started listening to them. It was my first introduction into “indie” music…the real independent music that wasn’t anywhere close to being in the top charts. I honestly owe the start of my writing and deep thoughts towards SoCo. They let me feel emotions that I really just didn’t know how to feel or that I shoved away because they made me different.
Point being, this song brings me back to pretty much every relationship I’ve been in because for some reason I always seem to listen to this song when I’m “in like.” And I’m feeling incredibly nostalgic right now, but not bitter. I’m so sick of being bitter towards my past, and I’m damn well ready to just overcome it and say fuck it because really…it has no correlation to what I’m doing now or what I plan to do. I’m not really sure what made me want to say all of this except that I really don’t feel like studying for my religion test tomorrow. I find the class to be complete and utter bull shit. But I don’t want to get into my views on and of religion right now because that is an entirely different (and long) blog.
But for now..Au Revoir!
October 29, 2008
Today was better than yesterday simply because after every bad day I have, I wake up in the morning with a level head and positive thoughts on how to make the most of my day. I must say, though, this beautiful weather has me in high spirits and I’m loving every second of it. You sure learn to appreciate this weather living in Louisiana because it doesn’t come often, and it doesn’t stick around for long.
I just lurked around the Williams web-page for a little while (like I do all the time) and I don’t want to sound dramatic or dumb, but I really did have a tiny tear project from my (tiny) tear duct. I am just so overwhelmed with happiness and this sense of belonging (even though I don’t belong to Williams) every time I read up on Williams. It’s a little pathetic how much knowledge I’ve acquired about the school since my sophomore year. Today I was reading an article on their website about nationally acclaimed teachers there who were noted for their fabulous writing abilities, and one of the professor’s for psychology was listed! It made me really excited because that’s what I will be going to college to study.
I feel like I shouldn’t focus or direct all of my thoughts towards Williams, but I feel like I have nothing else of much worthy or significance to think about. Of course that’s not fully true; only about half true : )
I’ve had this beautiful, instrumental song playing on repeat on my iTunes for about 30 minutes now, and I wish I knew who the composer was. I remember finding the song completely by random on Myspace about 4 years ago. It was one of those blank pages that some person makes up using their name and giving no credit to the actual composer. But anyways, this song is absolutely one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. It’s one of those songs that tells a story through it’s melody and rhythms without having to use words. It’s definitely a “feeling” song; a song that allows you to feel any emotion as long as it’s real. I don’t know how much sense that makes, but somehow I seem to understand every thought that I let enter my mind. Absurdity.
October 29, 2008
Today has been awful, horrible, DREADFUL. Let me go through it step by step. First of all, I had 3 tests today (English, Math, and Psychology) and I feel like I bombed them all. They were all SO hard, and I know for a fact I wrote the shittiest essay for english ever on Dante’s Inferno. And then I lost the $50 my friend gave me for the Death Cab tickets I bought for us, so for now I had to pay my mom my own $50. I took adderall today and had absolutely NOTHING to do when I came home, so was speeding like crazy and was just going really insane and feeling miserable.
Then here comes the really terrible stuff. So at work, our entire computer system crashed, so we had to take orders and payment all by hand. It got really tricky because sometimes the menu didn’t have prices for things so we had to basically guess. I bet we lost a lot of money today at work, which means it’s going to be hell until we get back on track.
Then, I was bussing tables to help out the servers because it was absolute insanity for them trying to add up all the prices and then add tax, and then use that old, shitty credit card runner thing. So anyways, I was unfolding one of the tables to set it back up, and the clamp got a hold of my finger and sliced some of it off. The grossest part is that I had red finger nail polish, so I couldn’t tell it was bleeding until I picked my pen up and saw red blood all over it. *shivers*
I know I’m just being “dramatic”, but still. I don’t like bad days and how shitty they make me feel. I just want to sleep forever, but I can’t because I’m still speeding from the fucking adderall. FUCKING STOP TIME RELEASING!
October 28, 2008
I was lost in the Berkshire Mountains, and every tree was a different, unique color. No tree was the same. I slept on a bed of leaves and drank the fruity sap from the trees (which tasted really good in my dream). I never was hungry once. The deeper I ventured on, the more free and beautiful I felt. I ended up meeting Thoreau in my dream and we sat under a tree with orange leaves and talked about the meaning of life. Most of the time we agreed.
Sadly that’s about all I agree,but it was a beautiful dream and I really didn’t want to wake up this morning.
October 27, 2008
Both my math tutor and I are applying for Williams. But…he’s applying for an actual job. I get all excited about the thought that maybe we’ll both end up there and both of our dreams will be fulfilled. Plus he could follow me to college and help me with my math more! I keep thinking that I’m really just setting myself up for dissappointment, though. Everyone keeps telling me that I “shouldn’t worry” and that I would “get in without a doubt.” I don’t think they realize it, or maybe they do, but I think they’re just saying that to make me feel better and to shut me up because I talk about it way too much. It’s really all I think about.
And right now all I’m doing is lessening my chances at getting in because I’m not studying, and instead I’m thinking about Williams; dreaming, dreaming, DRrrreeeeeeeeAMINg.
Anyways, not much happened today. I’ve been home alone all night and day and I’m feeling lonely. My dogs aren’t very good at helping with that either because all they’re interested in is each other, and it’s kind of gross.
I’m going to go study now.
October 27, 2008
I did it; it’s over. I turned in everything for early admissions for William’s and UVM. I feel so fucking overwhelmed and breathless. I know how it feels to have dreams shattered; hell, my whole life has been a shattered dream thus far, so being rejected would probably just be a lovely addition. But i shouldn’t be so pessimistic. Nothing’s happened yet except a burden has been lifted. I have Halloween to look forward to. That’s about it. Until then it’s December 15th to look forward to. Who knows that the future has in store for me. Gggggggawdamn.
October 26, 2008
Some say they’re lives are just beginning, but for me,
I’ve finally realized that I’ve always been alive.
The days are becoming longer for me it seems. Maybe because the weather is finally evolving into a temperature that makes me feel lively and chipper. My parents continue to make me more and more upset and discouraged from applying to a vast array of colleges, but I refuse to change my mind or limit myself to simply in state colleges. I don’t mean to sound egotistical, but I truly think I’m better than that. I am just so ready for a change; change in scenery, people, and just a change in the shitty routine I’ve gotten so accustomed to for the past 17 years. Really, I just need to get as far away from my parents as possible. Because otherwise, they’re going to continue to make me stick to them like glue , and I will just continue to be my same, old, miserable self. I need independence. I really think that going away for college will strengthen my relationship with them. Staying in state will just give them more incentive to make me visit them periodically during the week and talk to them. And honestly, it will be easy for me. I’ll have them right here for anything I need. If I go out of state, I’m going to have to do things for myself, which is what I want. No; what I NEED.
I’ve got to stop rambling all the time.
I want to go watch Sixteen Candles, but my dad is watching football.
October 24, 2008
All of this kind of came out of nowhere, but then again it must have come from somewhere because I got really passionate about what I was writing while I was writing it. So here goes……..
1. yes, in fact, you CAN help your feelings. they’re yours to keep and monitor. they don’t just go off on their own. you have complete and total control of what runs through your brain. it is YOURS, and you’re not a puppet on strings being controlled by some outside force.
2. the world isn’t incapable of you. you are just incapable of the world. and contrary to popular belief, you can do something about it! go to college, get EDUCATED, get a job that makes you happy so you can support yourself and not have to rely on others. and shit, please do something for others once in a while instead of yourself.
3. every little thing counts. every gesture, every word, every thought. all of it and nothing less. you can’t just say you hate someone or something without it making an impact on at least one person. saying you hate someone is the biggest weakness one can show. you’re too weak to love. love is the strongest and most powerful emotion, and succumbing to hate is just weak and pitiful.
4. don’t pick a political candidate just for his/her views on ONE issue (for example..abortion). and while i’m on the topic…don’t pick or not pick someone because of race or religion. that’s about the lowest thing we as human’s can do. we’re supposed to be living in a day and age where all of the racial tension is passed, but we can’t seem to let time pass. it’s just a vicious cycle we let take us in. don’t be ignorant. make your own decision, not your parents, friends, or anyone else’s. do your own research. YOU WERE GIVEN THE ABILITY TO DECIDE YOUR OWN OPINIONS AND BELIEFS…use it.
why would you want to model your thoughts (which actually makes up who you are wholly) after someone else? why would you want to give up your inner being?