I’ve been so fucking productive today and I didn’t even take an adderall!!!!!! How exciting. Anyways, I’m loving this weather so much. It’s sun-shiny, cool, and breezy today and the sky is the perfect shade of blue. Lovvvvin’ life right about now. And just 4 more days until the Death Cab for Cutie Concert. I am so stoked. I just spent a day in Alexandria at my grandpa’s house and I feel really awful whenever I go there because I spend more time out of his sight then actually with him, keeping him company. He just makes me so sad because he can’t really do much. I’m a terrible person for this and I will regret all of it in time. Bleh. I really don’t have much else to say except that I missed a phone call last night and am really upset about how I sleep so much.
I’m so full with everything right now. It’s beautiful. I’m absolutely the happiest I’ve been in months; possibly years. He makes me feel wonderful and it’s amazing to me how perfect I feel when I’m with him. It’s unreal how I feel right now. His long hair brushing up against my face, our passionate kisses and deep embraces, the funny comments we make and our laughter, never wanting to go home, getting lost in him. I likeeeeeeeeee dis boy lots.
November 26, 2008
Maybe all of this is starting now because I’m really, actually supposed to stay here and hang on to all of the beautiful things that I’ve recently and have already been blessed with for a little while longer. Maybe I’m not supposed to let go yet. But maybe this is all a subconcious test to see if I really am strong enough to let go and gain my independence now. Maybe I just look too much into everything and should just take things how they go, but I’m completely oblivious as to how you do that because I’ve always lived with the thought that there are always choices and you have to have a plan and answer to the choices to be made. I’m not sure how to just “go with the flow” when it seems like there’s always questions, choices, and decisions to be made. I really wish life was as simple as just sitting back for the ride and just going where it takes you. I guess I’m just too much in control of my life, but most times it really feels like the opposite. Most times I feel like I’m being guided by some outside force, but I always know that ultimately, I am the controller…I am the only person who can control my every thought, action, and word. It’s a frightening thought. I think I just need to learn to trust myself.
we laid together side by side like two broken pieces from a puzzle that hadn’t been put together in years. we laid together in silence, we laid together in laughter, and we laid together in reminiscence. it felt so perfect, but yet so broken and cheap. it was the first time that i was able to tell someone what i was thinking exactly how i was thinking it in that instance. i’m not sure if this is just a “for now” fling or if it’s a “forever” thing. i’m just enjoying how love feels without actually experiencing it. all i can say for a fact, though, is that last night i felt blissful and serene. i felt things that i didn’t realize could be felt..ever.
November 24, 2008
i love itttttt when we kiss and when he holds me and accidentally tickles me and makes me laugh uncontrolably inside. i love it how when he kisses me his long hair gets in the way and its cute because he tries to move it away. he’s just so wonderful and we really do just get along nicely. i don’t know if he notices or not, but we’re a perfect balance between our positives and negatives. it’s been almost a month since that first moment that i knew that i liked him for sure. everything has been happening so slowly between us, but that is just what i needed. it’s a new approach to relationships for me because pretty much all of my past relationships have been taken way too fast and things just don’t work out well that way.
i just keep getting scared about us, though. i think too much in the future. what if i go out of state for college? and what if our relationship just continues to heighten? what happens then? i’m just so full of thoughts and feelings and emotions right now and for the past few weeks as well. fuckkkkkkkkkkk. last night was fucked up. i was just so alone last night. i got upset about LSU and my parents reaction so i got in the car and drove around and just cried. i was at a stoplight for a long time and the people next to me kept staring and i felt very strange and naked. i went to starbucks all alone and ordered my drink and sat outside by myself and smoked. i was the only person there alone and i could really feel it. i wanted to enjoy my cigarette, but i realized how awful of a feeling it is to be somewhere alone feeling a terrible feeling all alone and having no one to talk to about it so i just took really long and fast drags so i could finish it quickly. normally i’m okay with feeling alone because most everything i feel is alone and silent. i never like to share my feelings because i don’t like burdening people. but last night just felt different. i wanted to be held and have someone to cry on and have someone tell me that everything will be okay even if it won’t be okay and have someone just sit outside with me and tell me jokes. but instead i made company with the voices of strangers whom i may never see or hear again. i’m just so in the middle of feelings now. so alone, so together, so in like, just so.
November 23, 2008
i don’t know why, but i’ve been crying so much lately. i guess because i went so long without it because i was in this mindset that to be successful, you can’t ever be weak. and god damnit i am so fucking weak, SO fucking weak. i just hate where i’m at right now. i’m in the middle of nothing. normally a college acceptance letter should make you happy, but i’ve just been overly emotional today because of the damn letter that said “congratulations.” i don’t want to stay here. i don’t want to stay hear at all. if i stay here for college i have a feeling i may never be able to leave. i don’t want to keep on with the stability i’ve had here for all 17 years of my measly life. i want uncertainty in a completely new place, i want to see new faces, new scenery, new air to breathe, new traditions to learn, new voices to be heard. today my dad called me a spoiled brat because i want all of this. he said that life is “give and take” and all i want to do is “take.” i’m not sure how true that is, and of course, i’d argue that it’s not, and i’ve been giving of myself all my life to others. but in this particular pivotal moment in my life, all i want is to take. i want to take the new chances and see where they will lead me. i want to take it all and use it up and show my potential to everyone who ever doubted the extreme magnitude of it. it’s hard to show my potential to everyone if no one cares to see it or thinks i have any. because i’ve fucking got it, i’ve got the heart and soul for it more than anyone. i just feel like it’s all getting weaker. i need to just keep figuring myself out and creating in me a new, and real self.
November 22, 2008
art, coffee, cigarettes, freezing weather, warm jackets, long walks, cute boys on bicycles, folk music, wine, blisters, beautiful music, sisterhood of the traveling pants, garden state, jackass, cuddling, 4 a.m. bed time, kisses, sneezes, laughter, long embraces, beautiful feelings.
i’m on cloud 9.
p.s. i got my acceptance letter to lsu today and now i’m in a bad mood because i keep having a feeling that i’ll just end up there.
November 20, 2008
after tomorrow i will finally be able to have a break. even though it’s temporary and only lasts a week, at least it’s something. i’ve been in desperateneed for a break….you don’t even know. i’ll have some time to just get myself together and i’ll have some quality thinking, reading, and deciding time. i’m not really sure what i’m deciding on, but i just feel like i should decide something. hell, my future needs some deciding on. so there. that’s what i ‘ll be doing. thinking about what’s to come, reading 3 books, and deciding on what the hell my future should entail. it doesn’t sound like a lot, but i have a feeling it will be. i can’t really think right now. i’m awfully dizzy and everything around me is moving and i’m sitting still and i’m really tripping.