December 31, 2008
Every New Year’s Eve I listen to this song by Xoxo, Panda and it makes me feel nostalgic and hopeful.
This year went by in the usual way
Some friends were lost, some friends were made
Money was spent, money was saved
And in the end we’re all ok
In the end we’re all ok
Maps were drawn and plans were blown
A ring was bought and rice was thrown
She’ll sit in the second row
Looking at her heart up on the stage
What a way to end her day
If time is measured in memories
Don’t set your clock to misery
The clicks should come from what you got
And not the things that you lost
Sing out, sing out, sing out your joy
Raise up, raise up, raise up your voice
And life goes on and on and on and on
On and on and on and on
Her love lies in a hospital bed
With tubes and wires that keep him fed
And when the lights go green to red
She whispers: “I wish that I could take your place
Because I don’t think that I could stand to sleep
Inside of our wedding bed
Without your kisses and your freezing feet
Or getting dressed inside a closet
Filled with your old clothes
1,000 picture frames screaming out
He’s not coming home,”
Because time elapsed photography
Will hold your smiles unnaturally
Your face is framed with what you lost
And not the things that you want
December 27, 2008
Well…this Christmas was the same as every other. We arrived on Xmas eve, got ready, and went to my uncle and aunt’s Christmas Dinner Party. I wanted to cry the whole night because it seemed like the only thing people could talk to me about was college, and most of them remembered (and I’m not sure how because they’re all old) that I wanted to go to Williams so naturally they all asked me about that. And it’s not like I could say I hadn’t heard back from them yet, because I had, so I had to cooly say that I had been rejected. And then I got even more lectures about how the way admissions works in ivy league and pseudo ivy league colleges is absolute crap. Mind you, the person who told me this went to undergrad at Harvard, and is now in graduate school at Stanford. I kind of just wanted to laugh in her face and tell her she had no room to tell me that because she seemed to have gotten her way just fine throughout the whole college process. I just sipped my wine and pretended like none of it bothered me. But oh well! Christmas morning was pleasant. We opened presents and laughed and drank tequila sunrises. I got a holga camera, new film for my polaroid and for the holga, the andy warhol diaries, a pretty ring and necklace, a printed purse, a peace sign baking pan, Billy the kid Documentary (which is FABULOUS!), Beck’s CD, and lots of other random things such as pens, paper, and gum.
Friday we went art gallery hopping, which always excites me. We visited my aunt in the Houston Center for Contemporary Craft where she works as a Fiber Artist. The stuff she makes is absolutely phenomenal! They had a glass exhibit where people displayed their blown glass, which just blew my mind. It was all absolutely beautiful and I’ve now decided that I want to be a glass blower or a ceramic artist. Then, we went to the Menil Gallery where I saw some prints by my beloved Andy Warhol!! They had 2 prints of his flowers, his beef Cambell Soup, his refrigerator, and his Mona Lisa. I also went through an exhibit by Max Earst, who, I’ve decided, was probably a big perv. I loved his work nonetheless. In the contemporary gallery, there were some pieces of art that I know lots of people take issues with, such as a big canvas with just half green and half black paint, but I still love it. I think for something to be art, some sort of deep feeling had to be put into it. That’s why just someone throwing paint on a canvas to poke fun at others who do it such as Jackson Polluck, aren’t really making art. I could write a whole blog about this probably, and maybe I’ll do it one day. But regardless, I enjoyed my time spent in Houston. It really made me wish I had wanted to go to Rice because we passed by the campus and it was beautiful.
Now I’m back home with nothing to do. I miss my boyfriend and I’m feeling unusally optimistic right now and wish to go out and make to most of it! I think I’m going to give my $40 check that my uncle gave me towards Invisible Children or TOMS.
Au Revoir, lovelies.
December 24, 2008
I suppose I should just go ahead and post what I asked for for Christmas because it seems to be a hot topic nowadays.
- Holga Camera
- Billy the Kid Documentary
- The Andy Warhol Diaries
- Canon EF 28-105mm f/3.5-4.5 II USM Standard Zoom Lens
- Polaroid Film (as always)
- Weeds Season 1-3
- This hand crafted wooden box with a sun on it from Nature’s Treasure (I wish I had a picture of it, because it is beautiful)
So that is what I want this Christmas, although I would still be content without any of it. Christmas has become too materialistic and consumerist for my taste. I just like things to be simple, and it seems like nowadays it’s impossible to have Christmas and to have simplicity all at once. What a shame.
December 23, 2008
today i’m feeling unusually (but it’s actually not that unsual) lonely. i’ve done nothing except hate everything and everyone today. i feel like yelling at almost everyone for literally doing nothing! i’m insane. but honestly, i’m really just feeling sad and alone and i know it’s my fault that i feel this way, but today i just feel so helpless and that i can’t change this nagging feeling lurking inside of me. i need some company, but everyone’s out doing their own diddle tonight on their fiddles. and i’m left……..fiddle-less all by myself.
December 22, 2008
last night was chilly and exhillerating. 2 bowls all by myself in the front seat of my own car. i was spouting out philosophies like they live on my tongue. michael was as cute as ever in his pj’s laying on his couch in his apartment playing video games. and i love it when he lays on me and lets me play with his hair. i want to kiss him forever. i still don’t know what to get him for christmas. but i’ve got to say: he is so so so so very cute and i like him so very much and i want to looooveee him.
i’m done ramblingz!
December 20, 2008
Last night consisted of questions and statements such as “what is the opposite of six?” , “where are the stars?” , and “let’s make water from fire and ice!”
I bought my first gram and smoked it the car of an unfamiliar boy who played the beatles non-stop. We laughed and laughed at the insane drunkenness and other fucked up natures of each other. In the times of unsaid words, our silence was pure gold.
December 16, 2008
After tomorrow, my Christmas break has pretty much begun. My last exam is religion, and everyone knows I could care less. I’m not really sure how I did on my physics or math exam. I probably shouldn’t have spent last night wallowing in self pity because of my rejection. Fuck Williams and all other pseudo ivy-league schools. I’m starting to realize that I’m going to get a good education regardless of where I attend and that it is just a tad bit smarter to get an education for $40,000 a year less than spending all that unnecessary money just so that when it comes time to get a job, I can brag about my “excellent” education at some insanely high ranked school. Hell, at least I tried to get in. Most people can’t even say that they would put in all the effort. I actually did put in all the effort, and I really do feel like I got something out of it. Everyone seems to think of college applications as unnecessary and tedious work, or think of it as an outlet to brag about all of their half ass achievements or about how they went to some foreign country to help build houses for impoverished people; but what college admissions officers don’t realize is that back in their home towns they’re laughing at that one homeless guy on the street or making fun of the kid at school who only has 2 different pairs of pants because he can’t afford anymore. As for me, though, I saw the entire filling out the application process as some tiny journey of self discovery. It allowed me to see ties in my past and present adventures and achievements and allowed me to return to wonderful times and events in my life that I sometimes forget about. College admissions can really just be a bull shit process, though. The undeserving and the liars get their way, while those of us who were truthful are left unnoticed it seems like.
I’m aware that some of these cynical thoughts that I’m jotting down are of direct result of my rejection from Williams, but I’m not worried about that. I pretty much feel that I have the divine right to be upset and critical about all of this because this has been the biggest dream of mine thus far that I had been working towards for an incredibly long time. It was the one dream that I’ve ever had that actually seemed achievable and somewhat tangible. And it got shattered in the matter of just a few seconds. Time has never seemed so absent as it did last night. I felt like there had been no past to my present life, the present moment was an absolute blur of nothing, and my future looked completely empty all because of this absent moment in time. Honestly, it really just sucks pretty bad, but time is the master of all healings (hopefully).
Hopefully this is just more incentive for me to want to work even harder towards new goals and actually achieve them perfectly and without fault. I just wish I believed that everything happens for a reason. Because right about now I can find no reason in this except to make me even more miserable with myself.
December 16, 2008
this morning i plan on taking 30 mgs and then 10 mgs later on just for the feeling of that rush all at once. and then on my way to school i’ll listen to the mixtape i made so that maybe, just maybe, i’ll sing along and be happy for once. then i plan on going to “the spot” with renee and smoke as many cigarettes as it takes for me to get incredibly light headed because i just don’t get that feeling anymore. and then i’ll take my physics and math exams, which i don’t plan on doing incredibly well on.
and then i don’t really know because i’m just feeling clueless about everything right about now. i never knew how much i could hurt because, damnit, i’m hurting like hell.
December 16, 2008
|i was rejected.|
December 16, 2008
My heart feels like it’s beating out of my chest right now. Usually I’m good at wasting time, but right now I just can’t bring myself to do anything to make 56 minutes fly by. I’m going a tad bit insane……..just a tad.