i’ve gone one week without a single cig, and i can feel it. i’m becoming restless, and i’m eating to suffuse my cravings. now i will be fat. i’d rather have lung cancer than be fat.
January 30, 2009
i feel like everything is slowly falling apart. i’m losing sight of reality; the one thing that stayed consistent throughout my life. and now i can’t seem to make sense of it-more or less find it. i’m a mess, i guess.
January 28, 2009
I really just want to go run away to the Appalachian Mountains and to the country so I can feel the freedom that was once so near to me, but is now so distant. I’m just so tired of how everything is right now in my life. I’m tired of being in a relationship that is doing nothing to me but making me feel like shit and completely worthless. And the fact that he doesn’t care about how I feel makes it even worse.
I really just feel like getting in my car and driving with a full tank of gas until it flashes empty. I’m 17 years old and I’m already in the middle of a crisis. Great.
January 27, 2009
starting in my 5th hour psychology class today, a sharp pain struck my abdomen. it spread to my right side, and to my right side only. i felt like crying, it hurt so badly. when the bell rang and i headed to my last hour class, the pain strengthened and i wanted to cry. it has only gotten worse since then, and now i am sitting on my couch, and i can’t take deep breaths or cough because then it will just start hurting even more. i’ve been researching appendicitis and supposedly if it’s not treated fast enough, the appendix can burst, which can then lead to a possible death. and i don’t feel like dying right now, so my mom is calling the doctor to see if i can get an appointment. i’ve never felt pain like this before. it almost feels like i’m being constantly stabbed, especially whenever i stand up and walk around. i don’t like this feeling.
January 26, 2009
I am up to here right now with anger boiling inside of me. I don’t think I can take much more of him, but I’m not sure if I have the strength to actually tell him that.
January 24, 2009
i’m so indecisive. fuckkkkkkkkkjalkfdjakfmotherlekajcdlkj!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!29408
January 24, 2009
This week has been filled with fun times and nice weather. Beta Convention wasn’t as lame as I assumed it would be. Of course, the only reason it wasn’t awful was because we left the arena 3/4 of the time to go walk around or to go take pictures at the levee. I finally finished all the film from my Holgacamera, and I’m really psyched about getting the film developed to see how all the pics turned out. Hopefully they aren’t completely awful and filled with too many light leaks so that you can’t even tell what the picture is. But anyways, I saw alot of people from around Louisiana that I haven’t seen in a long time, and it always just makes me feel really happy and nostalgic.
I feel really guilty because I didn’t really miss Michael and didn’t care at all that he didn’t call me back even though he said he would. It also makes me upset that he never once thanked me for helping him get hooked up with a cheap book for one of his classes at BRCC from my friend’s boyfriend who took the same class last semester. It’s like he always assumes that I’ll do things for him, but never once does he do things for me. I always get like this with him, especially after it’s gone really well for a little while. I just got to thinking these past 2 days about what’s going to happen after I graduate (if we even last that long…and it makes me sad that I had to say “if”). I have a feeling that I’m going to break it off like I do with almost ever relationship. I constantly long for companionship, but once I get it, it’s never like I imagined it would be. I don’t want to have to fake affection or imagine that the other person is treating me like I imagined and expected that I would be treated. I guess I just haven’t found that person. I’m not worried, though. I’m so young and all these changes within my life are right around the corner and just months away and I don’t want to ruin them by feeling boggled down by a relationship. Because, in all honesty, I’m not boggled down at all. It’s not like every other relationship where I spend most of my time talking to and hanging out with the other person. In fact, it’s the opposite. We spend barely any time together, and most of my weekends are spent with my friends because sometimes I just don’t feel like just sitting around watching movies at his apartment with his roomate and friends, and I can never get him to leave his damn apartment. Ugh. My mom told me that I always date the people that are opposite of the personalities of a husband that I look for. And it makes me wonder why I do that.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
I think if everyone considered that statement before they entered into a relationship or possibly went on with marriage, heartbreak would be less. It makes me so sad whenever I hear my friends or other women try to make excuses for the inexcusable things their boyfriends/fiances/husbands do. It shouldn’t be that way. I know some people don’t feel like they deserve to be respected or appreciated because they don’t feel worth it, but even though my self esteem isn’t sky high, I still know that I deserve it because I have dignity. Once again, I know I’m a little too young to be thinking about this, but I figure if I don’t realize this until much later, I’ll end up being the one really hurt. I guess that’s all except that a surprise encounter with an old friend has me thinking about him way too much and I know that is so wrong because I’m with Michael, but I know it wouldn’t be that way if Michael would show me just the least bit more attention as opposed to the tiny amount he does now. Oh well.
January 22, 2009
i’m so excited! i don’t have to go to school tomorrow or friday because of beta convention. i can’t really describe what it is because how i describe it is not really how it’s supposed to be described. it’s basically 2 days off of school for nothing. it takes place at the river center, which is conveniently located downtown–my favorite place to be in all of baton rouge. the levee is the most beautiful place for me to be. i can’t really describe what it is about the levee and downtown that i just love, but everything is just so simple and there’s just this different air that i feel like i’m breathing when i ‘m there. i almost feel entirely free when i’m there. i’m also ecstatic about finally being able to be down there and take lots of pictures with my holga camera, and of course, my trusty canon rebel xti.
i’m feeling pretty good about everything now except sometimes i feel down whenever i think of me and michael’s relationship. i always think of this one quote whenever i’m in a relationship from one of my favorite books, the perks of being a wallflower that says “we accept the love we think we deserve.” i look at the “love” or simply the relationship and think if it’s really what i think i deserve, and with michael, i think i could deserve better. or at least some more attention. there’s just no point of a relationship without communication and the ability to show affection towards the other person. we barely have either of them. i mean, it’s there…but not very noticeable. i need to talk to him about it, although i have many times before. oh well. i don’t want to let it prevent me from having a good week.
January 21, 2009
yesterday was the first day that i realized that i’ve gotten to the point of actually feeling like i “need” to smoke. my stomach started to feel achey, and when i got in the car to go to work, i lit one up, took my first drag, and the aching feeling went away. it made me really scared because i’ve always said that i didn’t have an addictive personality. maybe i do. i’m really scared what this all means though.