April 10, 2009

i got a speeding ticket.  fuck.  everyone keeps telling me I’m flipping  my shit for nothing, but no one seems to really understand.  i literally just gained my parents trust by pretty much staying in every weekend and being honest for the most part…(at least with the things that mattered).   I obviously have the $127 to pay for the ticket, which undoubtedly I’ll have to pay.  but they are sure going to flip out at the increased insurance money.  i am so fucking selfish!  my insurance is already the most expensive in the family because I’m still a “young driver” and now for them to have to pay $200 a month more just because i got carried away with a song while driving tonight going 15 mph over the speed limit.   and i don’t even get half that on my pay checks nowadays because of the cutback of hours and amount of people working now.  i get like what…2 days a week now and i get at most 4 hours on each shift.  that’s like barely15 hours every 2 weeks.  I’m just so upset with myself right now.  i feel like I’m falling back into my old routine of not giving a shit and not being the best “me” that i could be.  i remember the first speeding ticket i got…and my mental state when i got it.  of course since it was the first one, it got dismissed because my parents “have connections” and we didn’t have to pay for it and it didn’t go on my record.  but this is the real deal now.  i promised i wouldn’t get another one and that ID be a safe and cautious driver.  i just took like 100 huge steps backwards.  this isn’t the “me” i want my parents to think of when they send me off to college in 4 months.  I’m completely ashamed of myself.  I’ve already looked into signing myself up for traffic school, but according to the DMV, it doesn’t really do anything for you in Louisiana because it goes on your permanent record regardless, unless, of course, you decide to contend to a court, which i have no desire to do.  I wish that paying the $127 would be the end of it, and there would be no further consequence.  But life isn’t that easy, is it?  I’m soon beginning to realize that this disillusioned fantasy world, which I’ve been living it is soon to become so realistic and haunting.  I wish I could just say “fuck my life” and that be the end of it, but truth is…that would just be selfish. 
So plan for this week: avoid all cliche spring break parties, study or at least pretend to study for final exams, do all projects in a timely fashion, do a shit ton of SPRING CLEANING,  watch movie for world history, address graduation envelopes, study for the psychology state rally test, find a book to read for fun, exercise, and of course…eat healthy and stay away from those devilsome chocolate bunnies. 

P.s.  i think i just created a new word.  awesome.