September 26, 2009
unfinished stories, forgotten paintings, untouched notes on the piano that once received so much attention. it’s all there somewhere. it must be. i’m never going to get over this fact of self abandonment until i do something about it. i wish i had more words to say right now, but i’ve just been in these awfully thoughtful moods lately and something needs to be done about it. i need someone to talk to. someone to share my feelings with and to laugh and cry with. someone that doesn’t know my past, but with whom i can reminisce with. i’m not sure where i can find such a person on a college campus. seems like all anyone here knows how to do well is drink, and drink. and i am most certainly guilty of this no doubt. i just want cold weather, sweaters, pumpkin spice lattes, iron and wine, and to see my breath. i want to be reassured that i am alive.
September 18, 2009
So now, here I am, a college student. It feels so strange saying that and somedays I have to remind myself that this is my life and that I want to make the most of it. I’ve had a semi-rough start, though. It’s not hard for me to actually go to class, it’s just hard for me to put in all the extra time and energy into learning the material. I had my first biology test yesterday, and, of course, didn’t decide to study until the day of the test. My test was at 5 p.m., and I was in the library studying from 10:30-4:30. It was ridiculous and I still made a C. I’m not really sure what I’m doing most of the time. Mostly because my priorities are way out of line and I’m putting my social life above the most important thing–my school work, which ultimately determines the remainder of my life. My classes aren’t nearly as amazing as I had hoped they would be. I’m taking biology, psychology, anthropology, math, and english. It’s still really sad because when people ask me what my favorite class is, I really can’t answer them. Ever since I can remember, english has always been my favorite class, but that is not the case anymore. I loathe my english class. I hate the books we read and the pointless work we have to do for the class, and especially the teacher. I assumed that since I tested out of freshman english, I’d get a better teacher. Apparently I was wrong.
On a completely new note, my social life is getting a little out of hand. I decided to tone it down this week and stay in. I don’t feel like I’m grounded anymore. I feel like I’ve lost sight of who I was before I came to this place. I was looking through pictures of myself from just a few months ago and looking at pictures I took and pictures I painted and wondered where that went. Obviously it’s not completely gone, I’ve just kind of ditched it. And I miss that self. I need to do some serious sole searching because I’m afraid I’m going to forget about the creative, imaginative, and thought provoking person that I accepted and embraced. I guess I’m only really typing this because I’m a little upset at myself for what I did last Saturday night. I don’t feel like going into details or even posting what I did, but it really made me think to myself–what the hell are you doing? This isn’t me. And I know it. And I’m going to try hard to win that self back.