October 27, 2009
I’m not even half way through my freshman year of college and I am already experiencing so many new changes. It’s not like I wasn’t expecting any changes at all, but I never once imagined them coming all at once and at such a great velocity. I feel like I’m not doing much with myself, and my severe lack of motivation to succeed isn’t helping solve any of my problems either. I keep saying it’s time to buckle down and do better, but I’m wondering when I’ll ever start listening to myself. I’ve had a few rushes of spontaneity lately. One including a piercing (cartilage), another including changing my major. I thought psychology was a pretty solid major for me and one that I wouldn’t change. I never once sat down and actually considered my strengths and the experiences I have had in life that have brought me the most joy. I worked with special-education children all throughout high-school and never once considered being a special-education teacher until now. I’m completely oblivious as to why it never crossed my mind, but I’m satisfied with this change. I kind of freaked out a little bit when I had this “epiphany” of sorts, but I am 100% confident that this is something that I will love no matter what.
But as for now, I need to get my priorities in line and start actually caring about my grades and realize that my actions now ultimately affect the rest of my life. It’s quite scary, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to accept that yet.
“There is nothing so stable as change.”
October 17, 2009
FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY!!!!!!! i am so excited. this is love weather, to live for and to feel alive in. i lovvveeeeee the cold here. today has been so beautiful
October 13, 2009
things to look forward to: cold weather, pumpkin spice lattes, seeing my breath, snuggling up, feeling slightly more alive, Destrehan, taking more pictures with my Holga camera, Halloween, scarves & jackets & love.
October 11, 2009
last night i was surrounded by people. from 6 a.m. this morning until now i have been completely alone. no human contact. and i’m starting to notice what it does to me. i actually feel alone despite the fact that i have numerous oppurtunities to cease this feeling. this is voluntary and i can’t stand myself that i’m allowing myself to feel this way. i told myself i wouldn’t allow it, that i could stop it. and what hurts even more is that as much as i want to cry right now so that i could feel something. i can’t. the saddest thing of all is when you are physically and emotionally too numb to even physically feel or experience what you are feeling in your mind. i know that doesn’t seem to make much sense, but i am far too drained to actually have cohesive thoughts.
October 7, 2009
i’m not sure why i’ve been remembering so much lately. maybe it’s crucial for me to remember or actually accept what happened in that time period of my life so that i can finally move onwards. in my sophomore year of highschool, i did a project of sorts where i would write anonymous letters. i wrote them to my english teacher because i felt like she would be the only person who would understand. i borrowed the idea from one of my favorite books: The Perks of being a Wallflower. i finally found these letters after a long while of tracking them down. just for your knowledge, the reason why sometimes the letters are signed “jessica” and some of them are signed “skye” is because when i actually sent the letter, i changed everyone’s name–including mine. the reason i chose the name “skye” was because i wrote this 2 lined poem when i was in 3rd grade that goes like this:
the sky is open, the sky is free
the sky is what i wish to be.
here are a few of my letters that i wrote(they are quite lengthy):
P.S. I hope I do not cry as I re-read this…
——–ENTER: my life as is————–
October 26, 2006
I do not know what to think about today. I woke up very cranky and not ready to do anything in the world. I became very upset with my mom this morning because she told me that she was going to Alexandria (to visit my recently hospitalized grandpa) . I did not become upset because she was going to see my grandpa. no, no…that was not it at all. I became upset because I am selfish. I didn’t want her to go because then that would mean that I would have to stay after school late, and i do not like having to do that.
I don’t know what caused me to be this selfish today. But, I do hope that i will never be selfish again. It is a terrible thing, and it leaves you feeling very empty.
Otherwise, today was still very weird…(I should probably start increasing my vocabulary because it is quite dull, and I do not know of any other word to describe how today was). I finally realized that there hasn’t been anything wrong with me for the past few days. I think I have felt so sick because I have been so un-happy. As the cashier began to ring up our items at Whole Foods, she politely asked how my mom and I how we were doing. My stomach began to feel un-easy and I felt the tears forming in my eyes. This simple question has haunted me since then. I think people have noticed that I haven’t been feeling well, so they ask me how I’m doing. And everytime they do, I tell them I am “okay”, and then afterwards I feel like I am about to cry. Because honestly, I am not feeling “okay”. I am feeling terrible, and I do not know what has caused me to feel like this. Lately I have been sad. But, it is only really at school and when I am at home by myself. I think it is because I feel alone and incomplete. I feel like I do not have anyone to talk to. I know that this is probably a false accusation, but it just feels true.
All I want is to be happy. Whenever I am with Trey I feel happy, but then when I come home to my almost empty house, or when I go to school, I begin to feel that aloneness and incompletness that I dread. I thought that when you were happy, you would always be happy. I didn’t think happiness was temporary. Maybe it isn’t, and I’m just too much of a mess to realize this. I hope that you are happy now, because you truly deserve it.
Thanks for listening,
It’s a new month now, but nothing feels any different. For some reason it just feels like my days are being outnumbered.
Yesterday was Halloween. I did not dress up. I went to see “The Nightmare before Christmas” in 3D with Paul and others. It was pretty fun, but I was extremely quiet the entire night. I did not say much to Trey or anyone else. I wonder if he even wondered why I was so quiet. But, I do not think it is fair to think this because I do not even know why I, myself was so quiet. I guess I just really don’t have much to say. I really wish I did, though.
Since 4 years ago, when I was 11, Halloween has become a sad day for me. This is because 4 years ago, when I was 11, my grandpa died. I remember it all so vividly… We had known that he was sick for a few weeks, but the doctor’s assured everyone that with the treatment he would be okay. But he was not. Something happened that night, and at around 9:00, we got the call that he had died. I remember being so sad and feeling so empty and running to my room and crying for what felt like hours. And then, that night, I wrote my first poem. My dad read it at my grandpa’s funeral which made me cry even more.
As I begin to look back on it, I start to see a lot of myself in my grandpa. He was always a very quiet and reserved man, but he loved to a capacity that most could not begin to understand. I never knew much about him, and I never was able to spend enough time with him.
On a lighter note, I finally found “my song”. What I mean by this is that I found that one song that makes me feel like I am in the state of equanimity. The song is by a band called Sigur Ros. All of their songs are sung in Icelandic (or Hopelandic). Every single one of their songs is beautiful and will change your life in some shape or form. The song is called Hoppípolla. Here are the lyrics translated into English:
Spinning ’round and ’round
The whole world a blur
But you are still standing
No rubber boots
Running in us
Want to erupt from a shell
And the outdoor smell of your hair
I hit as fast as I could
With my nose
Hopping into puddles
With no boots on
And I get a nosebleed,
But I always get up.
And I get a nosebleed,
But I always get up.
I hope you are happy, and that you have had an amazing day.
Thanks for listening!
November 3, 2006
It’s happening again. That horrible feeling of aloneness and incompleteness followed me everywhere I went tonight. It tortured me.
I went to see a small concert downtown in the Manship Studio with some special people, including Paul. Paul and I were so quiet tonight when we were together. We walked around saying absolutely nothing to each other. The night went on, and we ended up sitting down at a table and small-talked for a bit. Then he got up and left and went somewhere with and Drew. I just felt like crying the entire night. So when I got home, I cried. My mom talked to me and I could tell she was trying to help, but the truth is nothing can help. When Paul did not even say goodbye to me or walk me to the door tonight, I just wanted to fall to the ground and not ever get back up. I do not want to be so dramatic about things, or feel like a helpless teenage girl because I am not a dramatic person and I certainly am not helpless… But, he didn’t even hold my hand or kiss me once tonight.
I bet this is all my fault. Lately I’ve been so quiet with everyone and I’ve felt so lost. I’ve been holding so much back from everyone. I’m so hesitant with everything I do. I’m so afraid to express myself to everyone. I feel like I am painfully shy. I really am trying to not be. But it’s just so hard. So so hard.
I thought way too much tonight. I really am using thought to not participate. This is such a bad thing. I need to use actions and words to participate. I always seem to make my own little world for myself when I’m with people.
Today I just felt so bad. I’m trying to remember what being happy was like, because I think I was happy last night. But maybe I was not and I just do a good job pretending. Yes. I think that is it.
I hope you never have to feel like this. I hope you are doing wonderful and that you have a great week.
Thanks for listening
November 6, 2006
I would just like to tell you that I am not sad anymore. Paul and I talked for a while, and we’re good now. Turns out that we both weren’t feeling ourselves, or…anything, that night for that matter. Today was a good day. I’ve been doing good with the whole “optimism” thing. It works 89% of the time now (which is better than the 2% before). Still though, I have yet to feel total happiness. After accumulated hours of thinking, I came to the realization that there is no such thing as infinite happiness. I think that you can feel happy sometimes, but it is almost impossible to feel completely happy 24/7. Maybe I am wrong, and that is completely possible, but it is just what I think.
I still need to work on the whole participating thing. I do not participate much at all. I sometimes feel that what I have to say just isn’t important enough to say aloud, but more often I just am scared that people won’t understand what I am trying to say. I don’t consider myself shy, I just think I’m unwilling and too afraid. Afraid of what, I do not know… Rejection maybe? I’m just afraid to tell people how I feel. That’s why writing these letters is so refreshing. To know that one person besides myself (and my dog) know all of this makes me feel that I am not completely sheltering myself from the world.
I came across some old stories that I wrote when I was little. I re-read them and smiled. Sometimes while I was reading, I could not figure out what I was trying to say, but I figured out a little more about who I was when I was 5 and 6 years old, which was fun. I wrote silly stories, and I bet if I took the time right now to write a story, that it would be just as silly. Probably even sillier. It makes me sad to think that I am growing older. Don’t get me wrong, growing older is fun, but I find it sad to think that one day I will be fully be an adult and my imagination might be gone. I am fine with growing old, getting gray hairs, becoming fatter and getting wrinkles, but I just hope that I do not lose my imagination. I think that imagination is the most beautiful thing you can possess.
I think that is all for now, and if I can think of anything else I promise to write… (Just for you to know, I will now be ending my letters with an ellipses because ending something with a period completely ends the thought. I do not want to ever end my thoughts)
Thank you so much for listening,
November 25, 2006
Once again I have proven to myself and others that I’m not worth anything. I messed up. I really would tell you what I did, but I don’t want you to think less of me. It’s all happening and coming back now. But much to quickly this time. I can’t keep up. Before I messed up, I had already started to feel the emptiness easing it’s way back into me. But now it’s stopped easing and has erupted all over me. Why do I do this to myself? Why. It’s natural to mess up…but to feel like this? Is this natural? I feel like I don’t know anything now. I thought I had finally started to figure out who it was that I am…but I guess not. I’m worthless…that’s what. I thought about dying so many times today. About how easy it would be to just die. I started having thoughts about no one caring and no one remembering who I was. I guess no one else can know who I am if I don’t.
I just don’t want to feel so empty all the time. I try to shove all the feelings away but they always find their way back. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know anything. I just know that I don’t want to feel like this. Maybe it was about time my puzzle started to break a little…
Thanks for listening,
November 27, 2006
I was about to send you a letter yesterday, but today I decided against it because it was much too sad and I am not feeling as sad anymore. I felt like such a failure and so worthless…I would very much like to tell you what happened, but I do not want you to think lowly of me. Back to my journey of finding out who I am…I really did think I had I had myself all figured out. But now I do not think this anymore. I don’t even know what I’m looking for to find! All of my days I shelter myself from the world–I shove my true thoughts and feelings away in fear that someone could think of me as strange. If I am strange, then so be it. I wish I wouldn’t make this so hard, though.
Today was alright, I guess. It felt like I hadn’t even been away from school. Exams are coming up soon and I do not feel ready. I would love to make perfect grades on my exams, but I never have seemed to do very well on exams. I study; but my brain is terrible at retaining information.
One thing has been bothering me about myself for so long. I hate to completely change subjects in my writing, but I feel like I need to write this down. I have been looking at myself in the mirror far too long and becoming so sad because I feel so fat. I know I am not truly “fat”, but I just see so much excess weight that needs to come off. I feel ugly when I wear clothing. I stick to wearing dresses mostly because they hide my huge, bulging hips. I feel so depressed whenever I wear pants, (especially jeans) and during the summer I always find a way to not have to wear a bathing suit. I have never and will never stop eating. It is terribly unhealthy and I have already watched a close friend suffer from this. I already do not eat meat (but it is not for health purposes–I love animals and my whole life I felt guilty eating them so just this past summer I decided to completely stop eating meat) which eliminates some fat from my diet. But now I think I am going to eliminate breads and pastas and any other sort of complex-carb, too. I hope I can do this, though because I really like carbs. I am going to stick to eating lots of Fruit, low-fat yogurt, and eggs for breakfast. Salads and veggies for lunch, and lots of veggies, beans and some seafood (not fried) for supper. I will not eat in between meals and I will start drinking lots more water and organic green tea. I have tried to do this for so long, but I never could bring myself to do it. I hope that now I can stick to it. With my exercising at the Fitness Center 2-3 times a week and my strict “fruits/veggies/seafood/beans/water/tea” diet, I think I will shed my gross fat and I will feel better about myself.
That felt a whole lot better to get out of my system. I really hope you know how much it helps to know that at least someone in this world can know me and view me as I am and not as who I may come off to be. You are such an amazing person and I am thankful for you.
Thank you so much for listening,
December 3, 2006
I don’t understand it. How can I go from feeling so happy to feeling so lousy and empty and like I’m about to break into a million pieces? I hate this so much. I wish this feeling inside of me would leave. I am so afraid of being alone because then I don’t know what I would do to myself… I feel like there’s nobody. Nobody to understand me or to hear me cry. I don’t like this at all. I want a shoulder to lean on. I want wisdom. I want to feel loved. My mom and I are on such bad terms right now. I cannot stand this. I don’t like to be so angry and mad at someone because then I become angry and mad at myself for letting those feelings take hold. This is why I feel so terribly awful right now. I want to hide. And go away. I don’t want to return. I need reasurrance. I have none. I have nothing but these lousy tears in my eyes. What the hell is wrong with me? I’ll never know…and if I ever do I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for being this way. Not ever…
I hope you’re doing well. I really, truly do. You’re wonderful.
Thanks for listening,
My life lately has been very discombobulated. it’s been good, even amazing at times, and then not so good, well shit….it’s just been everything. i’ve been thinking a lot lately, mostly about everything and nothing, but it’s gotten me nowhere except to the point of sheer, utter confusion that’s been boggling my mind. I always think this much, though, and I don’t think that it is necessarily bad, but sometimes i think that if i would just stop thinking so much then everything might just start making sense on its own without my thoughts interfering.
I’ve been getting so worried about everything lately, and I guess it’s just because I’ve been so content with everything I have, and i just don’t want to lose any of it. i’ve decided that i just need to let everything happen, and not worry about it. everything happens for a reason. i just wish i could fully believe that….but i think i’m starting to believe it right now for once.
i know what i’m holding on for, and i’m never letting go. i want this so badly that it hurts. the days have gone by so quickly, but the time has passed so slowly. i wish i could just not be so afraid to show who i am and what i’m about. i wish i didn’t have the same old shit to say, but something new and meaningful. i could probably go on forever with “i wish…” but really, wishing won’t get you anywhere. you just have to let go and do it. but then whyyyy is it so hard, why am i so afraid, why am i holding back? whywhywhy.
I think that sometimes you just need to laugh. Laugh about nothing, and cry about nothing. to laugh so hard to the point of tears, and cry so hard that you end up laughing like a maniac afterwards. “If you can’t laugh at yourself, life’s gonna seem a whole lot longer than you like.” and boy is that true. (garden state is the remedy for everything, no lie). there is no refund for wasted time in life; only regrets.
sigh. I wish everything didn’t have to be so complicated. but, i guess that’s what life is all about. maybe.
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves,
like locked rooms and like books
that are written in a very foreign tongue.
Do not now seek the answers,
which cannot be given you because
you would not be able to live them.
And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps you will find them gradually,
without noticing it,
and live along some distant day into the answer.”
–Rainer Maria Rilke
October 6, 2009
i was rummaging through some old blog posts of mine (back in the day when i used livejournal). some are beautiful and some are sad. here are a few that made me relive feelings:
I’ve been feeling especially lonely these days. Feelings leave my body quickly, but return even quicker and sometimes even worse. I really don’t mean for this to happen, but it does. I try to stop them, but mentally I have no energy left at all to be a blockade to all of these feelings. I’m trying to keep high spirits, though. My friends…ahhh my friends, they’re so great, but all so completely and totally different from me. I have met no one that shares common ground with me. It’s alright, though. Feeling different isn’t all that bad, I guess? I should just leave this at this…revisiting something can be terribly saddening. I want to feel connected to someone/something.
On a higher note, 6 days until I’m in New Orleans seeing Brand New! I’m excited about this and it’s nice to have something to look foward to. There’s not much else to say, I’ve been dazed all week so I can’t remember a damed thing.
What if everything I ever gave up was everything I would ever need to survive a little better, and to live fuller? Nine months ago…nine harsh months ago, I began building narrow passage ways in my mind so that these protruding feelings could not make their way into my thoughts. It’s my natural tendency to shove uncomfortable or foreign feelings away and lock them up, but lately I’ve been welcoming them, one by one, and allowing them to take their place in my mind. It’s a scary thought that the biggest and most altering changes could be happening right now. It’s hard to embrace when you’ve been in the state of inertia for 9 months. Time shouldn’t be so important, though. Hell, if everyone lived without it, people would be more relaxed and composed.
But now…right now, in the now, I will not lose sight of that one person whose presence still lingers in my life, though no longer tangible. There’s still hope in every unsolvable mystery, though. Everything is real, I just chose not to feel it. But now, right now, in the now, I will venture to the same place I ventured into 16 months ago. It will be different, though. Everything is in constant motion. Nothing stays the same over time. Nothing, that is, except for feelings.
I have a new motto for myself. It’s “YFSE.” I really would tell what it meant, but it serves no purpose if you know.
I need to get it tattooed onto myself so that I’ll be reminded of it everyday…because I definately haven’t obeyed by it this week.
PICTURES that remind me of how life was:
i’ve changed so much. sometimes i can’t keep up with who i am, but i just want to know that in the end i was happy with whoever that was.
October 6, 2009
last night/ this morning i was able to finally verbalize thoughts in my head that i have been battling with for quite some time now. i’m not sure why i always feel like i have to keep everything hidden inside of me and that no one would care what i had to say. i really need to stop living in constant fear that maybe something won’t go as i had planned. i think that’s why i have such a hard time committing to the relationships and commitments i’ve made throughout my life. instead of accepting them how they are, i fear what’s to come so before i can even find out what the future holds, i break all ties. i also need to come to terms with who i was in that period of my life where i wasn’t quite so happy and when life seemed to have no hope for me. i made myself realize last night that the reason i’ve quit doing alot of the things that i love is because i did those things when i was sad and lonely. i guess i feel like if i continue doing them, it will bring me back to that place. i don’t want to go back there. i’ve been there enough and it’s so hard to come out of.
i just want to believe that this time will be different. that this time i can eliminate all fears that have been holding me back. even if nothing is set in stone here and that all of this is just a “we’ll see” kind of thing, i’m not going to let that scare me. i wish i was better at just taking life as it came instead of trying to alter every little thing that comes my way and mold it exactly the way i want it–that seems to make my life easier. but it never does.
there really is so much on my mind-not all bad, though. i’m trying to stay optimistic. this has the potential for being something good i think.
October 6, 2009
i told myself i wouldn’t need adderall to make it through college, but after taking one 3 hours ago and seeing how much studying and school work i’m getting done, i think i’ve succumbed to the habit once again. it’s not a good habit, but it is so damn helpful and with my grades as shitty as they are right now, i need a quick fix. and this is it. it’s almost as if it gives me more time in the day to get my work done because i don’t actually waste time day dreaming, sleeping, or procrastinating. after being off it for about 5 months, i can definitely feel it coming all back to me. i’m shaky, jittery, and i’ve already recopied and organized all 30 pages of my biology notes. it’s ridiculous and i love it. i probably won’t go to sleep tonight either.
October 5, 2009
i must be a mess because i can’t remember the last time i acted like this. actually i don’t think i’ve ever acted like this in my entire life. i’m trying to stay level headed and reasonable, but it only seems to work half the time. i hate how this is all i can ever think about too. i feel five years old. i’m weird.
anyyyyyyways, today i got a whole new perspective on one of my roommate’s friends who i’ve never really liked. it was nice to actually get to talk to him and get to know him–all judging and preconceived notions aside. it really made me wonder why i do that with people. i like to make myself think that i am just that good at “reading” people, but most of the time i just make really unfair judgements on people. it’s a terrible habit, and i’m trying to kick it.
i feel like i have so much to say, but i don’t want to feel like i’m rambling so i guess i’ll just end here.
October 3, 2009
i figure it’s probably about time for me to start buckling down and getting serious about school. for the people who know me, this probably sounds really lame since i would never utter those words out of my mouth, but i am. i am serious this time. after finally taking a test in all of my classes, i now know what it’s like and what to expect. i have absolutely no more excuses left in me. it’s completely my fault from this point on.
on a new note, i am about to go eat sushi with my friend and i couldn’t be more thrilled. i haven’t had sushi since i started school, which i am a little upset at myself about. today looks like it will be a good day, and the weather is still just as lovely as ever! It’s a day like this where Matt Costa’s song “Sunshine” just plays along perfectly with the day.
Au Revoir, lovelies.