realizations

December 15, 2009


if tonight’s chat doesn’t turn out how i would like it to, then i’m going to have to blame myself.  last night i messed up big by simply getting too intoxicated in a number of ways, and ended up texting garrett.  i got myself in a situation with him via text, without knowing, but thankfully my friend ryan took over and mended things somewhat.  i feel like i text him way too much when i’m in that state of being, and it needs to stop.  as much as i am justified in deserving a straight answer of if he actually likes/cares for me enough to be in a relationship with me or not, i am NOT justified in making it such a big deal and acting so immature about it.  i really do hate myself for that.  i feel so messed up and lost and confused, and now i can honestly say i know why parents try to protect you from sex before marriage.  it’s because they want to protect you from feeling this way because there are so many better ways to feel than this, and so many better things to focus your attention on other than this. they’re not being selfish or trying to limit your freedom in any way shape or form.  this is the decision i made, and with decisions come consequences, and i’m just going to have to hope that i’m strong enough to face whatever they may be.  it’s the price you pay for ignoring everything you learned in catholic school for 13 years.  although most of it is complete bullshit, i have to admit, some of it is 100% valid.