confusions

April 21, 2010


At this point, I’m trying to find anything to do to avoid studying Biology.  I hate it.  I can’t wait until this semester is OVER so I will not have to take another college biology class ever again.  It’s pretty much learned helplessness at this point; I’ve learned how to fail biology tests even though I study my ass off.  But really I don’t WANT to fail, I just find myself in that awful position because apparently my brain is just too stupid to comprehend any of it.  I’m mainly just feeling pessimistic right now because things with the apartment aren’t going as well now.   I’m supposed to be signing a lease right now, but of course there had to be confusing and sketchy portions of the lease agreement.  Fuck.  Everything and everyone is bothering me right now especially my roommate now even though she has done absolutely nothing.  Well, we haven’t spoken a word to each other since Monday and even then we didn’t really do much talking…just awkward conversation.  It’s kind of stupid, but I haven’t let it bothered me until now.  Of course.  Maybe I’m intimidating.  That would be hilarious.  Although it’s a plausible idea since she hasn’t really slept an entire night in the dorm since Spring Break and it seems as if she can’t be in the room with me for more than like 10 minutes at a time until she leaves to go hang out with her 3rd arm and leg (I’m such a fucking bitch, please stop me).  So, that being said, I’m REPULSIVE!!!   I’ve always wanted to be repulsive to another human being since so many human beings are repulsive to me.  I should stop now before I get myself into trouble because I really have no idea who reads this thing.

Au Revoir

Jónsi–Go

April 18, 2010


Since I’ve been in love with the Icelandic band, Sigur Ros, for quite a few years now, naturally I was ecstatic that Jónsi (the lead singer from Sigur Ros) was coming out with his own album. I bought it the day it came out in iTunes, and I’ve been listening to it on repeat for hours upon hours. It is, for lack of a better word, beautiful. Since I’ve listened to it so much, and it has evoked spontaneous feelings from me, I’m going to go through each song on the album and write down what it made me feel like. I swear I’m a normal person, but Jónsi is just the one man on this universe, I think, that can evoke these feelings from me. I love him.

1. Go Do-– kind of makes me feel like a tribal dancing butterfly, if one were to ever exist. It opens the album up with a childish and imaginative vibe. “We should always know that we can do anything.” This is kind of one of those things that you’re told when you’re young from your teachers, parents, Mr. Rogers, and most importantly–Dr. Seuss. It’s a nice thing to think about.
2. Animal Arithmetic— this may be my favorite song on the album. It makes me feel care-free, and like the lyrics say, “Alive.” I also am in love with the Icelandic verse despite the fact that I can’t understand it.
3. Tornado— a slower song…and kind of dark. I’m not really used to Sigur Ros producing songs like this. This song reminds me of my earlier days dealing with depression and how I seemed to “destroy from the inside” since that was the only place not visible for people to see what I was doing to myself.
4. Boy Lilikoi— I somehow came across downloading this song back in January and fell in love with it and I still, of course, am. This song is so amazing because it embodies both great joy and sadness. The song kind of speaks to me in a way when it says “use your life, the world goes and flutters by” since that’s such an important thing to realize. We don’t have unlimited time on this earth, so we must use or lives as importantly and courageously as we can.
5. Sinking Friendships— This song sort of relates to my life in not the most positive way. Since I’ve been trying to progress as a person, I’ve noticed a few of my friendships to be “sinking.” Obviously, when changes begin occurring, you start to notice things and with me, I’ve begun to notice who my true friends are, and have always been. This song is a little nostalgic as I think back to my earlier days in middle school and realize that the people
I was once great friends with, I am no longer great friends with. It’s all a part of growing up, though. “No one knows you til it’s over.” I’m still trying to get a grasp on what he meant here. Did he mean that no one knows you until you die? Or that no one knows you until you can transcend all the bad shit in your life? I’ll keep thinking.
6. Kolnidur— I’m pretty sure this whole song is not in English, but that’s ok because I’ve gotten used to deciding what he was saying in his songs without actually knowing. Get it? Well anyways, this song starts out kind of sad and dark, but when some different instruments chime in, and his voice gets higher, it starts sounding more like a coming to terms with realization kind of song. Coming to realizations within yourself, others, or life, isn’t always a pretty thing, but it can be in due time. It’s totally possible that I totally missed the nail with this song, though.
7. Around Us— I fucking love this song. It reminds me of possibilities and those times in life where everything felt possible and I did not feel limitless. Usually the times I’ve felt like this have been when I was outside somewhere (figures). This song also talks about growth: “We all want to grow with the seeds will sow.” I think our “seeds” could be our potential/talents/passions that we want to share with the world. This song is a pretty uplifting song if you’re feeling trapped.
8. Grow Til Tall–Okay, so I feel like this song kind of contradicts the previous song since it says “they all, in the end, will fall.” This song is a little depressing on the lyrical side, but absolutely gorgeous vocally. After more listens to this song, I think I know what he may be saying, though. I think he is recognizing the reality in life that some things just aren’t possible. He doesn’t seem to say, however, that we shouldn’t at least try otherwise I don’t think he would have put the previous song on the album. Just making a note towards this song–“falling” isn’t always a bad thing. I mean it is the second it happens, but it builds character and creates new strengths.
9. Hengilas— this song sounds like an orchestra in the beginning and kind of just makes me want to close my eyes and see the world in my imagination. I mean obviously Jónsi would do a beyond kick ass job creating the perfect song to commence his beyond kick ass album. This song is in Icelandic, but that’s never stopped me from trying to mentally understand. This is kind of one of those songs that you can just sit there and admire for hours and not say a thing. It’s a quiet appreciation.

So, this album is about growth. I mean it’s just completely and blatantly obvious…or maybe I’m just being over zealous. The album starts with saying things like “We should always know that we can do anything” from saying “they all, in the end, will fall.” It’s about growing up and realizing that things aren’t always as candy-coated as they once seemed and knowing that life can STILL be beautiful despite old age and seeing what real life is truly like. I’ve honestly never been so touched or felt so connected to any album as I do this one. I feel like this album came out at just the right time in my life so that it could help me come to these realizations and let me feel some connectedness to something greater. Obviously I suggest that if you’re reading this you check out the album and listen to it from start to finish so you can understand how fucking genius Jónsi is with allowing his music to tell a story, song by song. I mean it really just is fabulous. This album took me places. It took me back to earlier years, situations, and feelings and then definitely hit home with the present. I swear this album will somehow be relevant to your life and whatever you are going through, although different from us all. Buy it, love it, share it.

Au Revoir.

Julie Powell

April 18, 2010


So, I had the pleasure to meet Julie Powell this evening and could not be more enthralled about having the opportunity to do so. If you’re not aware who Julie Powell is, just think to the recent movie Julie and Julia starring Meryl Streep about the famous chef Julia Child.  She is such an inspiring (and lucky) woman and I cannot wait to begin reading her new book entitled Cleaving: A story of Marriage, Meat, & Obsession. The party my mom and I went to this evening was to benefit the Planned Parenthood Foundation, which I think is such a wonderful organization that gives women the freedom to have and make choices best suited for them.
Just like Julie learned to find truth in life from cooking her way through Julia Child’s cookbook for a year, Julie made me realize one thing yesterday:  The importance of knowing yourself and trusting the decisions you make, and to find the strength so that, if it comes down to it, you would rather be hated for who you were than loved for who you were not.  Julie let me realize this through her negative experience with her idol, Julia Child, who gave negative feedback on what she was doing.  Obviously, Julie has not let this bother her since she has had such a positive experience with this all.  I mean, I only wish I could become rich off a blog.
Sigh.  Julie Powell is my new favorite person on the moment.  She was just so real, and I absolutely loved her foul mouth–something she gets shit for all the time apparently.  This weekend has been eventful.  Now off for apartment hunting, grubbing, and STUDYING!

Au Revoir!!!!!!!!

PS–new blog in like….1 minute about music.  I’m scattered!

when it all falls apart

April 15, 2010


…or maybe not actually.  Ha.  I think for the past couple of months, I’ve been on this journey of sorts to better my life.  I’ve tried to distance myself from people who negatively influence me and from situations/substances that hinder my growth as a somewhat stable human being with at least an illuminated future.  I’ve tried to dedicate my time towards the things in life that I feel truly positively affect the life I want to live such as volunteering at University Terrace as a mentor.  I’ve even considered starting to go to a Unitarian church a few Sunday’s out of the month.  These are silent efforts, although I feel as if the people I am surrounded by are starting to notice and I feel like I am being condemned for them.  So be it.  I realize that I am a faulty human being and I do not always make perfect decisions (partly due to my weakness in really thinking before speaking or acting).  I am working on all of this, though.
I was actually reading through some of my earlier posts on here last night and was amazed at how much had changed, and I do not regret the change for a second.  Quite a few of my experiences in college have strengthened me as a person.  If anything, I have learned to be a more considerate person towards others.  My parents have taught me well.
As of now, though, I have to face whatever comes from telling the 3 girls I was originally supposed to room with next fall that I, regretfully, will not be living with them.  It is a decision that I have reached for myself with the support of my parents.  In no way, shape, or form do I want to lose friends over this decision, but if that’s what happens, then there’s nothing I can do except to continue living my life as positively as possible.  I do not want to come off as boasting or appearing “holier than thou.”  That was never my intention.  I just realize that maybe I ventured far too deep in a friendship that was not and could not ever positively affect me on my journey towards becoming a better person.

the last straw

April 14, 2010


I am tired of negative feelings, negative words, negative emotions, negative actions, and whatever else negativity exits.  I succumb to negativity at times, I admit.  It’s ugly, it doesn’t solve anything, and it produces hatred.  There is no room for any of this in my life.  I simply refuse to allow it to ruin my positive and ongoing change of self and the way I live my life.  Negativity is not worth it.
I realize that I have a ways to go in treating people equally.  Just because I am not being treated the way I want to be treated does not mean I shouldn’t still treat them just the same.  No longer will I project negative words by word of mouth or by written words… even if they are thrown my way in the most unfair and unjust of ways.  I will try my hardest to hold my tongue.  I will be as mature as possible in situations and try my best to work them out in a mature, fair, and honest manner.  No more candy coating the truth to avoid conflict.  If conflict does arise, however, I will know that I tried my best to work through and around it.

The only thing I should expect from those whom I have formed bonds and relationships with is respect.  Not only a respect for me as their friend, but respect for other people in life.  No longer do I want to surround myself with people who display a lack of regard for other people in life, no matter what.  I hold grudges, yes, and it is a terrible thing, but lately I have been working towards making amends with those people whether they know it or not.  If these people cannot demonstrate respect back towards me, for whatever reason(s), the only thing they will lose from me is my trust.  They will still receive equal amounts of respect for that it what I am striving to produce in mass amounts for everyone I come into contact with.  I refuse to be abused and unappreciated as a friend who has done nothing but shown respect and been for you through rough times.

realizations

April 12, 2010


Tonight, after a simple dinner and even longer after dinner conversation, I came to realize a few things about me and more importantly…the life i lead.
For far too long I spent all this time trying to be super eccentric and almost edgy all in an effort to be “different.”  It wasn’t just tonight that made me realize that all of those efforts were completely stupid and useless.  Lately, I’ve been taking a mental note of the things that have made me truly happy.  Trying to hard to be “different” was definitely not one of those because I’m not even sure what you can do to be “different” except to maybe be yourself.
So, this being said, I would like to list some of these things that make me truly happy.

1.) Volunteering my time with children/My job working with children.  Children have always brought so much joy to me.  Yes, they’re a pain in the ass a lot of the time, but they have so much to offer.  It was this realization which sparked my change of majors to Elementary Education.
2.) Spending time with myself.  I realize this is a vague topic, so I should elaborate a bit.  Spending time with myself includes walking to class, or anywhere on campus alone for that matter as well as just any time I find myself alone.  I try not to include that lonely feeling into my alone time, though.  I figure so much out when I’m alone.  I embrace quietness and what I can learn from myself.  Thoughts arise that I had no idea existed.
3.) Being outside.  I don’t spend nearly enough time outside as I should…since it makes me happy and all.  I realized how much I enjoyed the outdoors when Matt took me out on his boat.  I literally did not have a single negative thought cross my mind in that time.  It was peaceful and free.
4.) Profound statements made in movies, books, or by word of mouth by anyone.  I absolutely love running across quotes that just make me stop in my thoughts and just think, “Wow.”   Simple things that I realize are so true to my life make me incredibly happy.  It makes me feel connected to others and not so alone in my thoughts or feelings.  It’s really refreshing to know that someone, at sometime, in some place in this world has felt how you have felt.
5.) Talking to people.  Anyone.  I welcome any conversation or form of it with any person I come into contact with because it will probably never happen again.  I like to engage myself with others as much as I feel comfortable doing.  It’s kind of a spur of the moment thing for me.  But I always wind up with a gigantic smile on my face after.
6.) Figuring out these important tidbits about me so that I can know myself more and more.  Right now in my life I am content with the pace at which life is happening and at how I am deciding to live my life.  I realize that there will be times of slip ups, but I think that I am a strong enough person to correct those.  Even so, I’ll embrace all of it, for this is my life and no other’s.  So I’m not sure why I’d want to ruin my chances of getting to where I want to in life.

The End.

a single hand

April 6, 2010


So while everyone who seems to be anyone is out doing the “Spring Break” thing, I’m doing the volunteer thing.  Waking up at 8 AM to volunteer, then going to work right after til 5:30.  I’m not complaining.  I think the best thing for me right now is to really dive into the type of work that I ultimately want to do as a career.  I’ve always loved working with children and that is precisely what I’ve been getting to do pretty much every day.  I think that so many people decide they want to pursue a certain career without really knowing what goes into it and ultimately end up disappointed once they reach the point where it actually becomes a career and not a study.  If you’re really passionate about something, you should do as much as you can before to make sure it’s what you’re happy doing and know for sure if it’s something you could do for the rest of your life and have no regrets over.
Today I was able to work with 1st graders at University Terrace (an elementary school near LSU where about 3/4 of the children there are from below poverty families and about 1/3 or more don’t speak fluent english).  Emily and I went over reading with them, and I could tell how stressful it was for most of the kids to pronounce the words or even recognize simple words like “he” and “yes.”  It was obvious that these were the children who came from homes where their parents probably don’t speak English to them or even at all.  One of the teachers even expressed to me how they lose a lot of the kids in their progression with reading over breaks such as this past one and especially summer because no one in their families are helping reinforce what they have learned.  I think lots of Americans really overlook this one problem in the education system.  These children never asked to be in the position they are in and I could honestly tell that they all were dedicated to learning the words and being able to read.  For children of that young of an age, learning should always extend from outside of the classroom to home, but many of them don’t have that luxury.  Even though I am not a teacher yet, I can tell that it is stressful for those teachers because they do everything possible to reach out to those children and give them as much individual attention as possible.
I really didn’t have much of a purpose in writing this except to express how sure I am that this is what I want to do in the future and every single time I work with children, it just becomes more and more clear that this is what I was intended to do in life.  And nothing feels more refreshing than that because I know there are people who search far and wide and for their whole lives to find that one thing that makes them feel whole and always come up short.

rantrantventvent

April 1, 2010


This first year of college has been full of ups and downs.  I’ve gone through a lot with my roommate and some of the things that she’s been through.  I’ve been there to help her when she needed help and my family has been more than supportive of her since she is away from home.  I’ve formed a great friendship with her, but with any relationship comes hardships and rough spots.  It’s almost inevitable.  Today, my roommate was leaving to go on Spring Break with her family.  She stayed out late last night, didn’t pack in advance, and slept through her alarm this morning.  I woke up with one thing on my mind: studying.  I had a test today at 10, and woke up early for the mere reason to study, NOT to worry about her.  For once, I was not going to worry about her.  I was going to let her worry about herself. I didn’t want to interfere.  I’ve reminded her about appointments and such before when I knew she was sleeping or preoccupied with other engagements.  Never again, though, will I take responsibility for her, though.  I have learned my lesson.  I don’t want her to be dependent on my annoyingly responsible nature that my mother pounded into me.  I am responsible for myself, and myself ONLY until it comes time for me to be responsible for a family.  I have learned now that I shouldn’t try to play the mom roll when it comes to my friends.  I need to let them partake in their own activities no matter how irresponsible or dangerous.  I cannot judge them because he who judges shall be judged and he who judges without knowing is ignorant.  Maybe I don’t know, although I pretend to.  It’s not like I’m naive to the truth, though.  I’ve been through things, I’ve felt things…but I have never succumbed to those dark feelings that they produce.
In my life, I have always been taught to take responsibility for your own actions; to never blame others for your own misfortunes.  When you slip up, you look at your slip up and learn from it…NOT blame someone else for not making you realize it sooner.   I understand that there are things in life that happen and that place a blockade on advancement and progression in your life.  I UNDERSTAND THAT.  I also understand that if you were really, truly dedicated to trying to improve yourself and transcend that awful shit of something to happen, you would do what you needed to do to get your life back together.  Involve yourself with positive people, don’t partake in drugs or anything else that could warp your sense of reality and make you not face that one thing, eat healthy, get adequate rest, find something..ANYTHING that makes you happy and makes you feel 100% all the time.  Granted, it takes time to get to the point of actually wanting to do all these things at once.  But in the mean time, it doesn’t take a fool to know what is and isn’t right for them.  Most of the time, we just don’t want to accept those things.  We purposely forget about them because it makes us feel guilty for doing what we’re doing.
It made me sick to my stomach to hear all of the nasty things my roommate had to say to me this morning.  Never in my life has anyone told me those things.  I’m not used to people bashing me in that manner.  I’m an adult about criticism.  I can take it.  I don’t like it, and it hurts like hell, but I take it and try to correct it.  I accept responsibility for my weaknesses in that manner.  I may have said some things that offended her, and for those I admit to them and I apologize immensely.
From this day forward, I need to establish my relationships with people as they need to be.  As a friend, I will be there for you and give you the constant support that you deserve.  However, I will not be your mom.  I will not be there to tell you what you missed, what you’re doing wrong, or what you need to do.  I will only give advice when asked for it.  I will cry with you, laugh with you, and occasionally do slightly irresponsible (but not illegal) things with you (because that’s what friends do), but I will not remind you to set your alarm clock the next morning so you do not miss your flight.  This is what I solemnly promise to do as a friend.

UPDATE:  I think as the day has progressed, I have just let myself get more and more worked up over this.  I refuse to let this occurrence affect my week off.  After a long phone call with my dad, and encouraging emails from my mom, I realized that this isn’t even worth my time to be upset over.  My mom made me realize that all of this is her problems and it isn’t fair that she’s taking it out me.  She is not worth my stress.  I believe that I am owed an apology since she has yet to ever apologize to me for anything.