May 31, 2010
Today has been miserable. I really can’t even write about it. I just feel so numb and really all I want to do is punch a hole in a wall or break a million glasses. I still don’t know whether I feel more sad or angry, though.
One thing I can say, though, is if everything plays out how my mother verbalized it earlier this morning, I will never be the same. A broken family with broken individuals is all we will become. I’m not ready for that.
May 26, 2010
It occurs to me every now and then that I still have an unfinished story that has been sitting still for quite some time now. I’m so close to being finished with it. All that’s missing is the ending, and I never realized how difficult it is to figure out the perfect ending. It really doesn’t matter how fabulous the rest of the book was because it’s the conclusion that you ultimately hold on to and it’s the conclusion that makes the whole story meaningful in a whole new way. It’s hard to simply write an ending and be done with it. There are a few different routes that my story could take, and I think it’s really just going to depend on how I am feeling about myself as to how I decide to conclude the entire story. It’s pathetic because I am so incredibly antsy to finish the story, but set aside absolutely no time to even begin writing. I need some motivation. I need rain, Sigur Ros, red wine, dimmed lights, and candles. Maybe then I can finish this story. I just can’t wait for it to finally be complete (whenever that may be) and post it here on WordPress for all of my fabulous readers to (hopefully) enjoy. I have no idea if this story is even close to being anything that anyone would ever want to publish, but eventually I wouldn’t mind taking a class on self-publishing (which exists!) and if I gain some balls, maybe send it to my old English teacher to edit.
I’m so glad I finally took it upon myself to write an About Me page because I have received the most beautiful emails from some wonderful people that have touched me in so many ways. I really want an e-pal. I’m not sure if I just made up that word, but what I would love to have is a person who I know nothing about to just email and talk about life and all the messes it makes, but also all of the beauty it creates. Just a thought.
Just a side-note, but I have only ever written anything for this story when it was raining outside. I wonder what that means.
May 25, 2010
It’s been too long since I’ve updated this so 9:30 on a sunny Tuesday morning is as good a time as any to do so. I went to Lake Charles during the weekend to see Matt. It was the first time I’d seen him since I pulled a false alarm by breaking up with him. Everything was perfect and I found myself being overly emotional. There was this moment when we returned from the store Friday evening around 8 and we were still in his truck and he just reached over to hug me and we were locked together for the most beautiful minute of my life and I just started bawling. I’ve never allowed myself to be so vulnerable with anyone in my life. So this is really all new for me, and I guess I’ve just been trying to be so perfect at pretending I knew what I was doing. Truth is, I didn’t and still don’t. But I can honestly say that Matt is the only person I’ve felt was worth opening up to and taking a chance with. I couldn’t be happier with him. Despite our differences (because they are numerous), there is an undeniable attraction between our souls. That probably sounds ridiculous, but that’s really the only was I know how to describe it. Simple as that.
On a different note, my tattoo has been healing and I didn’t realize how much of a pain in the ass it was to heal. It itches so bad and it peals and it gets all gross looking. All I want to do is scratch it, but obviously that would be an awful idea. So, I continue to wear gauze over it with this shit smelling A & D ointment spread all over it. Just one more week and then I can swim and take a bath. Yessssssssss!
May 18, 2010
So, I finally did it. I took the plunge….and got a tattoo! I’ve been talking about it since I was like able to talk probably. My ideas have changed since then, but I got exactly what I wanted. It’s a dragonfly (with some other nice swirls and stuff). It’s only about an inch wide. The guys in the tattoo parlor seemed shocked when they realized I really actually only wanted it that small. It’s really cute and turned out well. So, my reasonings for getting a dragonfly (besides the fact that they are pretty and one followed me home from my walk one afternoon in autumn):
- In all cultures, the main symbolisms of the dragonfly are renewal, positive force, and the power of life in general.
- It is a symbol of self that comes with maturity
- Dragonflies are a creature of the wind, and represent change. Its’ wings are incredibly sensitive to the wind, so it’s a reminder for all of us that when the great “wind” blows our way to take heed and know that we will prevail.
- Dragonflies live short lives, so the dragonfly is used to symbolize living life to the fullest with the short time it has–which is a lesson I’m still trying to live out.
- The dragonfly can also symbolize happiness and new beginnings
- Even though the meaning of the dragonfly is slightly different with each culture, it always will represent change, hope, and love.
I think it’s the perfect symbol/reminder for me. Lately, my world has been changing at such a speed that I simply cannot keep up with. My mind starts racing and I seem to create bad situations. I’m too focused on the future that I forget that the present actually exists and will always be the realest thing I will ever know. Right now all I can do is focus on the present and let the future play out as it should. Not to say that I have zero control over what happens later in life (because you always have a choice), but that some things are just inevitable and unavoidable. Things happen, and I certainly do change.
The back story here is that last night I broke up with my boyfriend on a whim because I was afraid that somewhere down the line it just wouldn’t work since my future goals include getting the hell out of Louisiana and his are to stay here forever. I honestly think my thoughts just got the best (worst) of me. Ultimately I just ended up being completely unfair to him. So…needless to say I think I’ve cleared it all up. I’m trying to start anew. Granted, all these changes will take a bit of time and I’m still working out how they need to come. Obviously, gradually. It’s been a great day. I’m happy.
May 15, 2010
So apparently there’s an app for wordpress, but I’m trying not to act so surprised. Anyways, I am finally finished with my freshman year of college. It hasn’t really hit me yet, either. My finals went so much more smoothly than I thought they would. The political science exam I took was idiot proof and I’m still very bitter about that since I spent about 6 hours too long studying for it. But oh well. It’s summer, yay!!!! And I am spending my first 24 hours of it in honkytonk, louisiana where it is raining. Damnit, I need sunshine!
PS: my grandpa’s friend is almost 90 and drives a fucking pimped out escalade. Word.
May 12, 2010
Just made a new playlist entitled “Chill out, it’s almost summer.” I’ve just been getting so antsy and stressed about finals. My first final is at 3 PM today and I have 2 back to back tomorrow and my last final at 3 PM on Friday. I think after I get through tomorrow, I should be okay. But for the time being, music is helping me mellow out. Here’s what’s on my list:
1. Hey Soul Sister–Train (yeah, i know. AND the first song.)
2. Hanging Marionette–The Appleseed Cast
3. The Skin of my Yellow Country–Clap your hands say Yeah
4. Bigger than me–Bell X1
5. For the Price of a Cup of Tea–Belle & Sebastian
6. Signs–Bloc Party
7. The Wind–Cat Stevens
8. O Valencia!–The Decemberists
9. Insomnia–Electric President
10. The Beautiful Ones–Ful Chen
11. Red in the Morning–The Gaslight Anthem
12. Upside Down–Jack Johnson
13. Young Hearts Spark Fire–Japandroids (just got into them yesterday and bought their album. it’s badass)
14. Animal Arithmetic–Jonsi (of course I added him. my love for this man is so deep)
15. Who Says–John Mayer (I do not love him, however love this song)
16. Angels with Enemies–Lovedrug
17. Summer in the City–Regina Spektor
18. Take Your Mamma out–Scissor Sisters
19. I know, I know, I know–Tegan and Sara
PS: my ultimate goal by this summer is to learn some French. Little by little, I’ve been trying to learn the language on my own since I feel like it’s only natural since I am practically 100% French. And…I realize that I end every blog with “Au Revoir” so I should have a little more to say than that : )
Au Revoir : )
PS x 2: Made what I needed to make on my Bio exam! So glad it went okay, since I definitely did way more than I needed to to prepare.
May 11, 2010
It’s no surprise that I always do far better on Midterms than Finals. Probably because I know after midterms, I still have another semester of school, but finals means the end. It’s so hard to study when the weather is beautiful, and all I want to do is spend every waking moment outside in the sun. I want to take long walks with my dogs, swim, ride a bike, rollerblade, and read outside under the magnolia trees. I do not, however, want to study. I have ZERO motivation. I know nothing. And my first exam is tomorrow. Fuck.
May 6, 2010
It’s amazing how just one night at home brought me so much insight. The first thing I did when I arrived at my house yesterday afternoon was rearranged my room. I wanted to tease my eyes a bit, I suppose. For as far back as I can remember, my room has been in the same exact order: bed in left corner, desk to the right of bed against the wall, bookshelves on the wall on the right,…you get the picture. I decided to shift my bed towards the center of the room and move my desk to where my bed used to be, but facing the window. So now I can study with natural light! I feel like a little kid again, being so excited to be home.
Last night as I sat at my desk, despite it’s new location, I was still able to remember and think back to some of the most profound times I had been at my desk in the past, thinking about beautiful, sad, futuristic, and imaginary things. I suppose yesterday wasn’t that much different than those times, though. With summer just around the corner, it’s hard not to think about all things right, but last night, I as sat alone with silence as my companion, fear began to creep around all corners of my mind. What if I can’t make an A on my history exam? What if I do poorly on my political science exam and have a C in the class? What if I can’t make a 70 in Biology and have to retake the course? What if I am unable to pursue what I am passionate about just because I can’t be passionate about my gen-ed requirements? I worried, and worried…and worried some more. I thought back to earlier times, and the songs I used to listen to when my mind began to wander this deeply. “Keep it loose, Keep it tight” by Amos Lee. I was almost always able to break my sad spell with that song, and last night was no different. Whatever happens, happens, and I am going to have to accept that fact whether or not it means retaking a class. All I can know is what I have done, and that far surpasses anything I have ever done. I am trying and trying to live out my greatest potential.
May 2, 2010
So, here I am, with boxes with (most) of my belongings packed and a suitcase filled with every single article of clothing I own (which is far more than I started out with…just sayin’). Living in the dorm has definitely been an exciting and eye opening experience. You sure can learn a lot about yourself when you’re forced to live in a room the size of a walk in closet with another person who you’ve never known. I learned that I am a much neater person when living on my own, emphasis on much. Oddly enough, I’ve seen way too much of my mother in me, and it took 18 years for me to see our similarities. We both like order, cleanliness, and for our spaces to not be cluttered or stressful. As long as I’ve thought I was such a laid-back and easy going person, I realized that was not really the case. To an extent, I still am…but when it comes to my belongings and my personal space, I am so OCD and demand order, although never receive it for more than 24 hours at a time.
As for nostalgic shit, well, yes, there are some pretty memorable experiences. I met many wonderful people and formed relationships that I will never forget about. Here are just a few photos of my dorm life:
I feel like I haven’t been very fair to the good times I’ve had here, but I think that there comes a point where everyone misses home and the way everything was before you escaped from your comfort zone into something totally new. Change is perfect until you see its’ true colors painted all over your life. I guess change didn’t paint the most perfect picture for me this time, but good times are just around the corner. I can definitely say I experienced typical college life, but it gets old very quickly. Freshman year has been a time of new discoveries, bad teachers, love, beautiful music, adventures, independence, and bad hangovers.