only time

October 25, 2010

Today, while I was walking into work, something that I had been trying to figure out in my head suddenly came to me. I realized that part of the reason I struggle and can’t move forward is because one of the hardest parts of life that I have to deal with is the fact that it keeps on going. I can recall countless times where I could have possibly figured something out or caught up with missed priorities if I would have just had a little more time. Life moves too fast for me sometimes and I can’t seem to always be able to catch up with it. I make big plans and set goals, but can’t seem to progress fast enough with the present to actually make it there. One of my vices is that I focus too much on the future. I focus so much on it that I completely forget about the roll that the present plays in reaching the future. I’m wasting time with worries. There are so many things that I want to do, see, feel, and learn in my lifetime, but such limited resources to do so. I always consider taking a year off of school to go somewhere and do something meaningful for both another’s life and my own life as well. Time isn’t infinite, therefore I feel like I should be making the absolute most out of it even if it requires escaping my comfort zone and venturing into a completely new chapter of my life. I want new experiences. I want to feel successful not because of money or good grades, but because I selflessly decided to dedicate a year of my life for the good of others. That’s what my whole life has been about. I just want to feel the joy of seeing strangers smile and knowing that these strangers really aren’t strangers at all, yet just more beautiful people in this world who help shape the person I am now and who I am yet to be.
Sometimes, though, I just need a moment. I need just one single moment to stop and accept how my life has turned out and to be thankful for the experiences and people it took for me to be this person.
I also need time to just take a deep breath and know that I still have time and that there is no need to rush my life. What is going to happen will still happen, and I shouldn’t try to be so controlling of my future, because it is a mystery and I don’t want to spoil the mystery of life.



October 4, 2010

i would just like to inform everybody that as of 6:48 AM in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, it is 49 degrees outside and beautiful.  this truly is a miracle.

Au Revoir

oops, i fell

October 3, 2010

I’m not sure that words are enough to put last night into full perspective because last night was filled with so much more than just words.  Last night began as a usual Friday night that, since last year, has begun to feel so natural to me.  Good company, booze, perfect weather, cigarettes, companionship, & a night at a bar.  Spontaneity overcame us as we decided that it would be a perfect night to trip.  We eagerly handed off our money to receive another dimension in a plastic water bottle.
We headed back to the bar to finish off that segment of our night.  About 30 minutes in I felt like I was struck by lightening.  My legs felt like static electricity and were consumed with an unheard of amount of goosebumps.  I was starting to feel goofy, and I made a new friend named Casey who rubbed my back.  As laughter and chills overwhelmed us, we decided to walk back to my friend’s apartment.  On the walk back, parts of the ground began to be illuminated with cursive letters and words, none of which I could identify.  I felt like I was a part of the ground while I walked on it.
We changed into comfier clothes and began the true adventure of the evening.  It was maybe 2 AM now.  Our mission: to walk to the Indian mounds on the LSU campus and roll down them.  By this time, the drug had settled in and I was feeling so wonderful.  Despite my empty stomach and jitters, I can honestly say I have never felt so physically well in my entire life.
We finally reached the mounds.  We sat on a bench near them for a while staring at the moon and admiring the colorful orbs protruding  from it.   Everything look and felt like this scene in Donnie Darko:  …

…except the colors were much more vibrant.
We finally climbed over the gate surrounding the Indian mounds and ran to the top.  At this moment we were on top of the world and above everything.  My problems disappeared as I laid so peacefully there.  As we gazed at the stars, they began to move; to dance.  They were so bright and delicate.  At one point, a few stars came together and made a figure that began to dance and wave at me.  I really wish I could describe this moment better because it was at this moment that I began to cry.  There was nothing sad about this moment, rather there was an overwhelming amount of beauty that was occurring.  It was all too much to handle in one instant, yet I didn’t want it to stop.
There were moments, though,  where I thought that I may become saddened by the fact that this was my life and that this waseasily the greatest hours of my life.  I never wanted that moment to be while I was not in a sober state of mind, but I could not deny this at all.  I saw so much more of the earth and of the sky that I ever thought was possible.  This was how it was meant to be, I thought.  I never knew what my mind was capable of thinking or creating until this night.
I will never forget this night for as long as I exist.   Spontaneity allowed me to feel something totally new, and I will always appreciate that fact.

Au Revoir.