December 9, 2010
Here I am, once again, allowing my thoughts to invade my life and using those thoughts, which have been warped into something completely untrue, to push those people I love most away from me. I always used to criticize others for not having a grip on their feelings, but that is exactly what I am doing now. I don’t think I have ever really had a solid grip or understanding of why I feel the way I do most times. It’s almost as if there’s just some foreign entity who periodically comes and takes over all of the positive thoughts that I have in my head and replaces them with fear and negativity. Why can’t I stop this? If I can so abruptly change my mind about how I should be feeling in an instant and apologize about being such a maniac, why can’t I simply stop the fear from entering my brain? I have accepted that this is a problem, but yet the problem will not go away. I realize that this is an issue on self-control as well. I am my own self, my own person; I have 100% control of my thoughts and actions and should always accept that when I fuck up that it was because I wasn’t trying hard enough to stop the negativity. Instead, I just let it engulf me and I say irrational things and I act unfairly towards others and blame them for the problems that actually, clearly exist within me. It really takes a toll on my self esteem when I know that I’m always the one fucking up and pushing people away and it’s all because I have these issues with anxiety and projection that haven’t been dealt with. I also don’t want to blame my issues solely on anxiety. I feel like people sometimes use their diagnosis to just cover up their mistakes and to have as an excuse. I don’t want this. I know that these problems I have with anxiety are partly brought on by me. I accelerate the anxiety when I start freaking out on people and sometimes hurt them, but then immediately expect that everything should be back to normal in 2 seconds.
I just want to be able to be the best me that I can be and to not have all these silly and petty worries constantly pulling me away from that. With accepting that I have these problems, though, I also need to remember to accept that I have good aspects as well. I don’t want to become so wrapped up in the fact that I have a problem that needs to be fixed that I completely forget the importance of always trying to be a good person and to always try my best to do good for others, not just the ones who matter. I think that’s maybe why I’ve been having so many problems lately. I’ve been focusing too much on fixing the negatives instead of trying to uphold the positives.
PS I know this is a total 360 from my last post, but for any of you who actually do read this, just know that I am finally trying to actually work towards becoming the me I know I really am.