January 21, 2011
Well, the first week of class is over and of course I had to get the flu. I missed my 3 classes today because of this, and I almost cried this morning because of that. I was feeling so confident that this semester would be different; that this semester, I would conquer school once and for all and prove to myself that I can do it. I realize that you can’t plan for these things to happen, but I just feel like this was a step backwards when I have been so obsessed with moving forward.
I was, however, able to have a very productive day yesterday beginning with therapy at 8 AM. I don’t have any class on Thursday, so I figured the best way to make sure that I don’t just lay around all day being lazy was to schedule my therapy to be early in the morning every Thursday. I really like my new therapist. The last time I did therapy, I was 16 and looking back I realize that despite all of my angst and negative feelings, I really was not mature enough to understand what my roll in therapy was. I was under the impression that it was just my job to show up and that eventually everything would just get better; that there was no outside work involved. I was wrong. And that’s what led me to now. But the difference now is that I understand that to improve myself, it takes a conscious effort on my part every second of the day to be aware of my actions and to not be afraid to admit to my mistakes. One main thing my therapist and I discussed that we would focus on during this time was confrontation. My biggest weakness, I think, is the fact that when something is wrong, I avoid it at all costs because it scares me and makes me feel weak. In the long-run, though, this just creates more disaster and pain, and then I really can’t handle it. I need to learn how to notice problems within myself or my relationships and be able to face them head on and to accept them as they come, knowing that they’re not there to make me a weaker person, but instead they are there to help me grow.
I’m really excited about this ‘journey’ of sorts that I am on, and I just feel so positive that I am growing into the person I always knew I could be.