February 28, 2011
You’re still young. You know this, yet the thought of adulthood seems intriguing. It’s not nearly as glamorous as you may imagine it to be. Trust me. I’m here now and I want nothing more than to be where you are.
Let your mind wander often and write down all of those beautiful thoughts. You’re going to want to be able to go back and relive those thoughts later on.
Appreciate simplicity. I know you already do, but hold onto it. To be able to find meaning in leaves falling, bugs crawling, and rainstorms is a gift and you have it. Don’t let others persuade you differently.
Stay true to yourself. Adolescence may trick you into thinking that you have to mold into those who surround you. Don’t be so affected by others. Who you are is the best there is. There is no one quite like you so embrace all of you and don’t be afraid to show it off.
Because of how life is, you will eventually have to “grow up.” Don’t let this scare you, but also don’t chase after it too soon. Childhood is only a small portion of your life as a whole so hold onto it. You’ll know when to start letting go. Just know that just because you’re “growing up” doesn’t mean you have to let go of those thoughts you have and your care-free way of living. It’s what makes you you. There’s no need trying to create another you for a different part of your life because you’re just fine how you are now. Continue treating others with respect, love yourself, and tell Mom & Dad you love them every day.
My therapist suggested that I write letters to myself. One of me now writing to me as a child, and another of me writing as a child to who I wanted me to be now. I sat and tried to think of who I wanted to be as a child and realized it would be much too difficult to write it all down. I’m not at all who I wanted to be and I’m not sure if I’m happy or sad about this.
I wish I could go back to that place. That place where leaves falling from a tree was magical. Where, when the wind blew, I heard music. And when I tripped & scraped my leg and felt pain, I was able to laugh.
I miss those November walks by myself that lasted for hours. I had no mission–except to explore myself in places that seemed so familiar, but I was able to find new things; feel new things.
Life seemed so much simpler back then. My responsibilities were scarce & I was just able to live.
I will always remember that dragonfly.
It followed me home one day from one of my walks. I claimed that dragonfly as a part of my existence. Somehow it just made sense. And now that dragonfly is engraved on me so I will never forget. How can something so small and delicate be so strong?
When was the day where all of this went away? I can’t even remember how it went away. Was it gradual or did it simply vanish? If it was gradual, then I must feel some regret because then I could have stopped it.
February 13, 2011
I feel as if since I’m now doing therapy once a week, I don’t have the need to write as much as I did before. I used to think that I would never be able to verbalize my thoughts or confidently verbalize some of the most difficult things I have and am still facing. LSU couldn’t have set me up with a better therapist. She really is great, and she’s made it easy for me to figure out what my roll in therapy is. She has helped me figure out so many things about myself already, and sometimes it completely blows my mind how right she is. In our last session, she talked to me about cognitive distortions. I had never heard of them, but she pointed out 2 main distortions that she has noticed. The first one is called “Disqualifying the Positive.” With this, you reject positive experiences by insisting they “don’t count” for some reason or other. You maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences. The second one is called “Should statements.” It wasn’t until my last session in therapy that I realized that the word “should” pretty much rules my life. With this distortion, you try to motivate yourself with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. “Musts” and “oughts” are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment. I never realized that the main reason I feel so much guilt is because I live my life knowing what I “should” be doing, but can never make it to that point of actually doing it, so I feel guilty. In my life, I have always aimed to please others. Where I messed up somewhere along the line is spending so much energy trying to please others and be a person that pleased and satisfied others, that I forgot to do anything that actually made me happy. My biggest issue now, though, is that since I’m working on becoming more aware of my vices and spending time with myself, getting to know and love myself, I start to feel selfish. I realize that this is a completely unreasonable thought, but at least it’s one that I’m aware of and am trying to reason with.
Onwards, classes are going alright. I find myself slacking (as always), but at least I finally enjoy a few of my classes. I love my new kitty cat, she brings me so much joy. I have recently fallen in love with incense, and have been drawing frequently. I try to spend time playing my dulcimer since it makes me happy and I’m actually kind of good at it for only playing it 2 months.
Oh, and lastly….I did acid for the first time a week ago and it really wasn’t that great. It wasn’t nearly as amazing and magical as I expected it to be. Maybe it’s the medicine that really blocked me from feeling the full effects of it, but I was just paranoid and ate too many Mambos. There were some beautiful moments on it, but I’ve decided that doing it one time was enough and that I don’t want to do it again.