November 22, 2011
It seems as if with every new realm of my life, I neglect my writing and ability to use a keyboard to express my thoughts onto the internet for everyone (or no one) to see. I don’t even know where I left off on here, but I’ll try my best to recap.
I began City Year in July. City Year is a non-profit organization that is part of Americorps that sends 17-24 year olds to different low-performing public schools in major cities. I have the pleasure of serving at an elementary school this year. I have been working with 5th graders in and out of the class room, tutoring them in ELA (english/language arts) and Math. I have a focus list of about 8 for ELA and 6 for math. I take them out of class for an hour a day to work with them to improve their test scores. This job is so much more than simply tutoring a child. I provide a safe space for these children that they don’t receive at home so that they feel comfortable around me and are able to talk to me about their problems. I’ve gotten to know many of my kids on a personal basis. Never in my life have I actually cared so much about someone to the extent where I am worrying about their well-being constantly. Most of my children come from single parent house holds with 1 or more family member in prison. All of my children are on the free lunch plan provided by the state and most come from poverty-stricken families. I’ve learned a lot in the 4 months I’ve been working for City Year about myself. the education system, and poverty. Everyday I work with my children, I try to inspire them to be the best they can be. It’s sometimes hard to tell if I am having any impact on these children at all, but I am so dedicated to my position in their lives that I would do anything to see these kids succeed not only in the 5th grade, but throughout the rest of their lives. This experience has humbled me greatly and has really made way for a more selfless me. This year was a year for me to figure things out; to figure out what it was I was doing in my life and what my place in this world was. There is no doubt in my mind that this year has done just that.
So, that was my big job rant. Onwards to the more personal shenanigans.
Before starting my City Year, I met a wonderful boy named Kevin. We met, fell for each other almost instantly, and haven’t spent a night apart since July 5th. I basically live with Kevin; in fact I’m not even sure why I say basically because it’s his house I leave from to go to work in the morning and it is his house I come home to in the evenings. It’s been a strange, but nice learning experience for me. I am undoubtably in love with Kevin. He’s a great match for me despite our differences (which can sometimes stretch far). We are two people who are freakishly similar, yet shockingly unalike at all. We’ve had a few rough spots throughout the relationship, which are probably 99% related to the fact that we live together. We’re not always the nicest to each other and I have cried quite a few times in the course of this relationship. There are some times where I question if we should be together and if he is good for me and vice versa. I don’t want to think that I’m not good for him, but sometimes it crosses my mind. I worry too much, I get jealous, I get selfish, but all because I love the living hell out of him and want all of the time I can have with him. When we’re together and on good terms, it is just so fucking good. I have butterflies in my stomach and feel like a kid again. When things are bad, they’re pretty bad. There are slamming doors, nasty words, and tears. I have insinuated every bad moment thus far. There are many things I want to tell Kevin so that I can remain honest with him. I’ve learned that in relationships, you have to let your significant other know when something upsets them or else it just bottles up inside you and you begin to feel resentful towards that person. I love Kevin so much. I never want to resent him. But I also value myself and my own worth in this relationship and want to let him know what I like and don’t like. I know I don’t present my concerns in an appropriate manner. I’m working on that. All I really know about our relationship is that I care about this boy more than anyone I’ve ever been with. I don’t ever want to lose Kevin. He means so much to me. When I take a moment to think about our relationship, none of my concerns or dislikes pop up. I only see happy moments and envisions of more to come. I guess I’m way too much of a sap because I’m sitting here writing this while he is asleep next to me, listening to the saddest playlist I’ve ever made, crying like a baby. I am just sometimes too overwhelmed with the love I have for this boy. It scares me. It scares the living shit out of me. I’m scared of losing him. I’m scared of upsetting or annoying him so much that he leaves. I’m scared of myself. I know I shouldn’t think of these things, but that’s just how my brain works. All I wish of him, though, was that he let me know how much I mean to him. I try to do small things like leave cute notes on his mirror in the morning before I go to work, send him sweet texts/pictures, and love up on him. It’s not really reciprocated all that much. All I wish I could knew is if it was because he just was completely unaware that that’s what I want or that he simply doesn’t want to do any of that for me. I’m probably screwing with my brain again, but c’est la vie. I’m going to return to my sob music and tears.