& that’s how it goes…

November 29, 2012


The past 6 months for me have been hell and as much as I’ve tried to not believe that, it’s just so undeniably true.  I’m not sure who I am anymore.  I have no self-control.  I want to be alone all the time.   I’m still doing terribly in school. I feel like I have no close friends and I don’t even know how to have relationships with people anymore. I have also become an expert at lying and I am NOT ok with this.   On top of making up lies I also withhold the truth, and that’s what is going to eat me up the most.   I make myself sick these days.  I can’t do anything anymore without thinking “why the fuck did I just do that.”  I don’t know what I have done in my life that has led me to here.  Since as far back as I can remember, all I’ve been trying to do is set up my life so that I would have a good future.  I always felt like I had a solid grasp on what I wanted my future to be like, but now I have no idea.  I can’t even keep up with the present.  These days go by way too fast and I can’t keep up. I feel like I just have been fucking up everything lately.  I refuse to blame ANYONE for any problems I might have, but I sometimes can’t help but think how different (and maybe better) my life would be now if I hadn’t met some of the people I did.   I know there is absolutely no use in thinking about the past still, but my mind redirects itself there all the time.  No one knows who I am and I don’t either.

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patron saint

November 26, 2012


“She’s the kind of girl who’ll fracture her mind till it’s light.  She’ll break her own heart and you know that she’ll break your heart too.  So darling, let go of her hand.”

 

you know what sucks

November 10, 2012


…when your mentally unstable ex-boyfriend can get a girlfriend before you can even get a boy to like you.  Hmph.  

ohay

November 8, 2012


So, I’ve been living by myself for the past month or so.  I was a bit skeptical since the move happened quite suddenly and I had never lived alone before.  Needless to say, I love it.  I feel like I actually have a home now as opposed to just some space that I share with someone who I don’t even like.  I was afraid that I would get lonely, but so far that hasn’t been an issue…probably because I’m busy 24/7.  I am working close to 40 hours a week and balancing school with that.  This year has been so different for me.  I remember when every year was pretty much the same with few minor changes.  As I look back at last year as a whole, and the year before that, and the year before that…I see how they are all so significantly different.  It’s weird.  Just simply looking at myself, I sometimes freak myself out at how much I’ve changed.  Nothing bad, though.  I’m quite pleased with how I’m turning out.  It’s also kind of funny because I remember as a kid I used to predict how I would be at this age, and oddly enough I was pretty spot on.  This is really nothing significant and as always no one reads this but me, but that’s ok.  I write for myself anyways 😀

Au Revoir