September 26, 2012
“a person who longs to leave the place where he lives is an unhappy person” –Mila Kundera
I’m not happy. I don’t think I’m unhappy, but I know I’m definitely just plain not happy. I’ve known this for a while, but now is the time where it’s appropriate (and logical) to admit it and go through the steps to ‘fix’ it.
I hate school. I just dropped down to part time because I couldn’t even manage 12 hours. That’s probably because I’ve secretly been working nights at a head shop pretty much every night. My parents don’t know this. They don’t know a lot of things about my life right now. I feel like a rotten child. I don’t want to be in college. I want to be back in some sort of service organization with City Year doing what really, truly makes me happy. I haaaaaaaattttteeeeeee school so damn much and I’ll say it a million times over. I never thought that I would be that one person who wasn’t made for college, but maybe I am. I’m going to suck it up and get through this semester, but as for any more college, I’m not exactly sure right now. I kind of want to start saving half of every pay check I get so that in like….6 months I’ll have enough money to move somewhere. That’s ridiculous wishful thinking right there, but I need something to look forward to for real. Ugh. rant. done. bye.
September 15, 2012
So much is happening and I don’t even know how to keep up with it all. I used to just have all this time to think and then write down my thoughts. It helped. Since my last post, a good friend of mine was killed. I hadn’t known him long–just under a year, but he left such a huge impression on my life. I first met him when I had this epiphany of sorts while I was dating Kevin. Kevin didn’t want me smoking because he couldn’t smoke, but all I wanted one night was to just get high like I used to. It is, in fact, my natural state. I texted my friend who I knew would know where to get it and he told me to come over. There was this adorable six foot something skinny dude sitting all awkwardly on the couch inside. He didn’t look at all like someone who would sell weed. He handed me an eighth of some of the most beautiful bud I had ever seen with one of his half smiles. I became myself again that night.
I continued seeing him as I continued buying from him. When Kevin & I broke up, I went over to buy weed and ended up hanging out with Phil for a few hours just talking and watching Nip Tuck (his favorite show). He was addicting. Everything about him–his smile, his laugh, his voice, his lips, his touch…etc. I didn’t care that he was 3 years younger than me. We started spending lots of time together in July. I definitely had a huge crush on him, but I didn’t want to go through my normal routine with him. He was more than that and deserved better than me, I thought. He wanted so much from me, but I wasn’t willing to give it to him, but not for my sake– for his. I found myself getting lost in our kissing sessions. I don’t think it is any coincidence that my very last moment with Phil was a kiss.
I was in a rush to leave for the beach and needed some weed of course. He met me at my car, got in, handed me the weed, and pulled me in for one of his long, wet kisses. That was the last time I saw Phil. While at the beach, I got a phone call from my roommate telling me what happened. I was in denial. Once I was home from the beach, I had to face reality. Phil was gone. I kept sending him text message after text message telling him everything. Apologizing for things I had no control over and telling him how much he meant to me since I had never done that.
I got a tattoo for Phil. He was all excited about this new tattoo he had just gotten that said “Win some” on one forearm, and “Lose some” on the other. My left wrist now says “win some/lose some” in typewriter font. I chose that font for the sole purpose of remembering how I used to write and how much it helped. I miss Phil every damn day and there is NOTHING in this world I want more than to hug him. I become bombarded with these overwhelming feelings of just wanting him at some of the most random times. I find myself with tears developing in my eyes while walking around campus if the right song comes on shuffle.
I feel so lost now ever since his death. I’ve never had to deal with a death like this before. My thoughts are more jumbled than ever and I feel like life has just become going through the motions. I’m back to being the puppet on strings being controlled by who knows what.
February 15, 2012
Life has kind of taken this huge turn in the past however many months it’s been since I updated last. There are only about 3 and a half more months left of my year of service with City Year. Just as everyone told me, the time flew by, and now it’s February and I’m still trying to put into perspective what has even happened this year. My life has turned into routine: wake up at 6 AM, take a shower, eat breakfast, get to work for 7:30, set up/prepare for interventions, morning duty in the cafeteria for breakfast, ELA intervention, reading block, other ELA/Math interventions, and the list goes on and on and there is rarely a break to the routine. I usually get really tired really fast when I find myself caught up in a routine. But this year has been different. I’ve started to find them fairly nice and definitely stable. Stability is really that one thing that I’ve ever been searching for, and I’ve finally found it, but just in time for it to be lost come May 18.
I love what I do, I love the school I work with, the children I work with, and the other people I work with. It’s all so surreal sometimes. I’m doing exactly what I want to do in life. I just wish sometimes that my relationship with Kevin wouldn’t interfere with my service as much as it does. Throughout this whole relationship, I’ve kept a pretty blind eye to what happens most of the time. We’ve had a rollercoaster type of relationship. We’ve had our share of ups and downs, but there’s never any consistant or happy medium to our relationship. I love this boy. I really, truly do. I’ve never cared for anyone as much as I do for him, but sometimes I can’t help but wander if he is my destiny or the only one for me. I guess I’ll just keep fighting this inward battle alone and maybe, someday, I’ll come up with a solution.
November 22, 2011
It seems as if with every new realm of my life, I neglect my writing and ability to use a keyboard to express my thoughts onto the internet for everyone (or no one) to see. I don’t even know where I left off on here, but I’ll try my best to recap.
I began City Year in July. City Year is a non-profit organization that is part of Americorps that sends 17-24 year olds to different low-performing public schools in major cities. I have the pleasure of serving at an elementary school this year. I have been working with 5th graders in and out of the class room, tutoring them in ELA (english/language arts) and Math. I have a focus list of about 8 for ELA and 6 for math. I take them out of class for an hour a day to work with them to improve their test scores. This job is so much more than simply tutoring a child. I provide a safe space for these children that they don’t receive at home so that they feel comfortable around me and are able to talk to me about their problems. I’ve gotten to know many of my kids on a personal basis. Never in my life have I actually cared so much about someone to the extent where I am worrying about their well-being constantly. Most of my children come from single parent house holds with 1 or more family member in prison. All of my children are on the free lunch plan provided by the state and most come from poverty-stricken families. I’ve learned a lot in the 4 months I’ve been working for City Year about myself. the education system, and poverty. Everyday I work with my children, I try to inspire them to be the best they can be. It’s sometimes hard to tell if I am having any impact on these children at all, but I am so dedicated to my position in their lives that I would do anything to see these kids succeed not only in the 5th grade, but throughout the rest of their lives. This experience has humbled me greatly and has really made way for a more selfless me. This year was a year for me to figure things out; to figure out what it was I was doing in my life and what my place in this world was. There is no doubt in my mind that this year has done just that.
So, that was my big job rant. Onwards to the more personal shenanigans.
Before starting my City Year, I met a wonderful boy named Kevin. We met, fell for each other almost instantly, and haven’t spent a night apart since July 5th. I basically live with Kevin; in fact I’m not even sure why I say basically because it’s his house I leave from to go to work in the morning and it is his house I come home to in the evenings. It’s been a strange, but nice learning experience for me. I am undoubtably in love with Kevin. He’s a great match for me despite our differences (which can sometimes stretch far). We are two people who are freakishly similar, yet shockingly unalike at all. We’ve had a few rough spots throughout the relationship, which are probably 99% related to the fact that we live together. We’re not always the nicest to each other and I have cried quite a few times in the course of this relationship. There are some times where I question if we should be together and if he is good for me and vice versa. I don’t want to think that I’m not good for him, but sometimes it crosses my mind. I worry too much, I get jealous, I get selfish, but all because I love the living hell out of him and want all of the time I can have with him. When we’re together and on good terms, it is just so fucking good. I have butterflies in my stomach and feel like a kid again. When things are bad, they’re pretty bad. There are slamming doors, nasty words, and tears. I have insinuated every bad moment thus far. There are many things I want to tell Kevin so that I can remain honest with him. I’ve learned that in relationships, you have to let your significant other know when something upsets them or else it just bottles up inside you and you begin to feel resentful towards that person. I love Kevin so much. I never want to resent him. But I also value myself and my own worth in this relationship and want to let him know what I like and don’t like. I know I don’t present my concerns in an appropriate manner. I’m working on that. All I really know about our relationship is that I care about this boy more than anyone I’ve ever been with. I don’t ever want to lose Kevin. He means so much to me. When I take a moment to think about our relationship, none of my concerns or dislikes pop up. I only see happy moments and envisions of more to come. I guess I’m way too much of a sap because I’m sitting here writing this while he is asleep next to me, listening to the saddest playlist I’ve ever made, crying like a baby. I am just sometimes too overwhelmed with the love I have for this boy. It scares me. It scares the living shit out of me. I’m scared of losing him. I’m scared of upsetting or annoying him so much that he leaves. I’m scared of myself. I know I shouldn’t think of these things, but that’s just how my brain works. All I wish of him, though, was that he let me know how much I mean to him. I try to do small things like leave cute notes on his mirror in the morning before I go to work, send him sweet texts/pictures, and love up on him. It’s not really reciprocated all that much. All I wish I could knew is if it was because he just was completely unaware that that’s what I want or that he simply doesn’t want to do any of that for me. I’m probably screwing with my brain again, but c’est la vie. I’m going to return to my sob music and tears.
June 29, 2011
June 5, 2011
New medicine, moving back home for a few days, first dates; realizations.
I feel like every day I’m becoming mentally more stable. I agreed to come and stay at my house for a few days just to make sure I was staying grounded, and to help out with things around the house. I was pretty bitter about it at first, but what started as something so dreadful became meaningful. Every time I spend the night in my old bedroom I remember so much about my youth and growing up. Even just sitting here at my old desk brings back so many memories of me discovering so much beautiful music and me figuring out myself by writing for hours. I cleaned out my entire room from top to bottom. In some of my drawers, I still had bows and ribbons from my elementary school days. My mom came across my old scrunchie that had my old elementary school’s uniform pattern on it and teared up a bit. I really didn’t blame her. I wanted to cry as well. As long ago as it all was, I can still remember it quite well. Looking at myself now and then remembering who I was so long ago is such a strange thing. I remember imagining who I’d be when I was older, and in some ways I’m just like that person, but in other ways…I feel like I’ve let my younger self down. I never imagined in a million years that I would fail ANY classes ever…especially in college. I’m really mad at myself, but I’m hoping that my anger will turn into motivation to succeed. I’m learning to trust myself more and more every day.
May 27, 2011
So, I didn’t realize how long it’s been since I posted on here (woops). I totally should have posted earlier, right after I found out THAT I WAS ACCEPTED TO CITY YEAR! I found out 2 days before I was supposed to, and screamed and then sobbed in the middle of a sushi restaurant. The joy that I felt from knowing that I was accepted to City Year soon faded once I received my final grades. It was my worst semester yet. I was put on academic probation. This basically means that I am not able to return to LSU when I’m done with City Year. As excited as I am to begin City Year and start what could possibly be the most memorable year of my life, I’m also nervous as to what the future holds for me after City Year. Where will I go to school? How much longer will I have to be in school? Will I ever be able to be hired with the grades I have? So many unknown things, and it scares me more and more each day.
March 10, 2011
To be quite frank, I just wasn’t all that stoked for Mardi Gras. I mean, the whole concept of streets crowded with smelly people rubbing up against you and plastic beads flying everywhere is just not appealing to me. I can honestly say that despite all of my negative feelings towards this holiday, I had the most amazing time. I’m always putting down Louisiana and dissing this place, forgetting that it’s my home and where I came from. There really is no place on earth with the same spirit of Louisiana and I realized this during my time in New Orleans for Mardi Gras. On Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras, no one is a stranger. It’s as if everyone knows each other and it’s just one big street reunion of people from many different places. I had a fabulous time and am so glad I sucked it up and went. I need to just stop denying myself all of these good things.
My doctor doubled my dosage of my medicine from 20 mg to 40 mg. I’d love to blame the medicine for not helping me as much as it should have after 3 months, but the fact is, I just don’t know how much progression I’ve made. I’m still making shitty decisions, skipping class, and literally not giving a shit about everything. Maybe I’m just in a bad place right now, and an extra dose will just erase all of my bad thoughts, but for now I have to just get used to these fucking awful side effects again. Here’s to non-stop sleeping and lack of focus.
February 28, 2011
You’re still young. You know this, yet the thought of adulthood seems intriguing. It’s not nearly as glamorous as you may imagine it to be. Trust me. I’m here now and I want nothing more than to be where you are.
Let your mind wander often and write down all of those beautiful thoughts. You’re going to want to be able to go back and relive those thoughts later on.
Appreciate simplicity. I know you already do, but hold onto it. To be able to find meaning in leaves falling, bugs crawling, and rainstorms is a gift and you have it. Don’t let others persuade you differently.
Stay true to yourself. Adolescence may trick you into thinking that you have to mold into those who surround you. Don’t be so affected by others. Who you are is the best there is. There is no one quite like you so embrace all of you and don’t be afraid to show it off.
Because of how life is, you will eventually have to “grow up.” Don’t let this scare you, but also don’t chase after it too soon. Childhood is only a small portion of your life as a whole so hold onto it. You’ll know when to start letting go. Just know that just because you’re “growing up” doesn’t mean you have to let go of those thoughts you have and your care-free way of living. It’s what makes you you. There’s no need trying to create another you for a different part of your life because you’re just fine how you are now. Continue treating others with respect, love yourself, and tell Mom & Dad you love them every day.
My therapist suggested that I write letters to myself. One of me now writing to me as a child, and another of me writing as a child to who I wanted me to be now. I sat and tried to think of who I wanted to be as a child and realized it would be much too difficult to write it all down. I’m not at all who I wanted to be and I’m not sure if I’m happy or sad about this.